May 1, 2009, 5pm - Today is a little better. I cooked lunch for my coworkers (BBQ spare ribs and chicken). I was a pleasure and little enough to do for folks who have done so much for Bobbi and I..... Last nigt was pretty bad, but I did fall asleep eventually. Someone asked if was because house was full of ghosts. "No", said I, "it's because it's empty of ghosts. I'd like a ghost or two- one ghost in particular." That's pretty selfish, but there we are. It's also not very "traditional". It's bad form to think about the departed after a period of time, and is thought to interupt their journey in the better world that comes after. Ah well, I haven't reached enlightenment yet. I just want my baby back.
Of course, this is just me in a low place. It will get better again soon, and better after that. I think the recurring bouts of extreme grief are pretty natural, and healthy (as long as the next one isn't quite as bad as the one that came before). And it does seem to help to verbalize (or in this case write out) these thoughts. One the other hand, maube I just need some of them yogurts with active cultures! I'll keep you posted.
May 1, 2009, 1am - Wow, May already. Something nice happened yesterday. Someone I know was teaching a time management class I was taking. She thanked me for this web page. She said it helped her family. Her nephew died of leukemia last month, and they were able to prepare for the last stages of the illness by reading about Bobbi and what we were going through, and then what we went through after. That was pretty good to hear- it helps. We also talked about how times have changed. The days of the family doctor managing your health care are over. People need to be their own advocates now, and most people aren't up for it. Of course, I'm a little on edge these days. I just deleted a rant about one family member. The fact it was both tru and fair doesn't mean I was okay saying it. I'm going to have to learn to listen harder to hear that gentle voice..... I need to find the better angels of my nature.

April 30, 2009, 7:30am - I’m not sure what I’m feeling this week. It would be nice to have a little clarity of thought. I’ve had some in the past, but it’s eluding me lately. One thing I’ve done- I lit a candle. I’m keeping a candle burning all the time. I guess I hope it’s all Bobbi needs to find her way back home. Wouldn't that be something if all along all I needed to do was light a candle and everything would be okay?  So, I’m keeping the home fires burning…….It’s like being skinned, flayed completely bare.  It would be nice to have a little clarity of thought. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly. I am not sure what I know any more, but I do know I sure do miss her. Take care of your family- the wolf is always at the door.

April 28, 2009, 10:00am - Last night was full of troubling dreams, and today is pretty rough. Reckon there's a connection? Maybe the trick is, like a pressure cooker, let it out from time to time. I really don't know sometimes. Well, it's letting out now. I feel like taking a bulldozer to things and just starting over from scratch. This too shall pass I guess.

April 27, 2009, 7:30pm - What would Bobbi do? That's not bad. Me myself, I often ask myself "What would Gandhi do?" when faced with a difficult situation. Our friend Jill came home to find out that a friends seven year old had cut of the hair on one side of her five year old's head and was working on the other side. It sort of added a whole new meaning to make-over. Now, when I call this lady a "warrior priestess" the warrior is the operative word, and as she has on rare occasion done she started to go ballistic... in fact she went so ballast she lost the power of speech for a bit.... As she calmed down the thought hit her- what would Bobbi do? In a few seconds she had it- put flowers in her hair (whatever's left). Once more Bobbi saves the day. I'll ask Jill to write the incident down in her own words. I was delighted by the story myself.
Today I ran into a childhood friend. I had not seen him since Bobbi's last chemo in the first week of February. I was surprised to see him in the oncologist's office. Because we were busy I didn't really get to talk to him much except to learn he had just been diagnosed with renal cancer and he was scared. Today I ran into him and he looked good. I asked how he was doing and he said great- surgery removed one kidney, part of his innards and other things, but he is on a new clinical trial and responding very well. I told him I'd been asking about him and he said he was sorry he hadn't come by to see us (he's been busy). Then he asked how Bobbi was. I told him and he was shocked. He said it seemed like it was just last week, and I agreed. To me it seems like both yesterday and a thousand years ago....it's very strange. Anyway, there's one tentative success story.Weve got to beat this $#@$#!$# disease.
I had a physical today. My diabetes is good and my cholesterol is fair, but my BP was high. I'm hoping it's lack of sleep and it'll come back down. My doctor lost his wife to cancer four years ago, so we talk a lot, and I'd like to think we do each other some good. This evening I worked in the yard and weeded some of Bobbi's flower beds. I don't know why, but that was pretty hard for me to do. Let's just say there was a little extra irrigation going on (there still is). I know each day gets better, and it'll be a little better the day after that, but this isn't as easy as I hope I make it look. Sometimes I'm just going through the motions, and sometimes I'm not so sure it's all worth the trouble. The good news is tomorrow is my day to see the kids! Oh honey, I wish I knew you could hear me, it might it easier to take not being able to hear you. Yeah, I understand those poor people who go to phycics a whole lot better now. I appologize for every time I made fun of them. Are there any near here <scratches his head wondering>? I'll keep you posted.

April 26, 2009, 10:30pm - What would Bobbi do? That seems to be a question which when thought through is helping some people get through "situations". I heard a pretty good story today. I'll ask the person it happened to if they'd write about it.
Today was all yard work all the time. Whew! Then dave, Donna, Jordan and I went over to Becky and Dick's for a wonderful meal.

April 25, 2009, 11:30pm - Home again, home again... David and I went to brother Sam's yesterday to run conduit (and electricity) to his greenhouse. The greenhouse is 175' for his house, and we had to cross a paved driveway. Whew. Today we took a drive out up on the Cumberland Plateau near Jamestown (where Sgt. York was from). We hiked for several hours before returning to Knoxville to finish Sam's project. We just got back home. Tomorrow at 3pm there is a memorial service at St. Joe's for all the people who died of cancer in the first part of this year, including Bobbi. I guess I'll be there. More tomorrow, I'm afraid I'm tired. Rest well.

April 24, 2009, 7:30am - So, do you ever wonder about what is the link between the so-called "real" and the spirit world? Does it exist? Are those who pass beyond aware of this dimension? Do they become so changed or advanced that this physical world looses all significance? I don't mean dogma, I mean do you as a person think about it? Are they in a plane just outside our perception? Of course, I wonder this for personal reasons. I walk around this house talking to someone I can not see, who no longer exists in this world as we know it. I don't wonder about my sanity (it's not like I ever had any), I guess I just want to be heard. If a man speaks and a woman does not hear him is he heard? I think the thing I just realized is that my "speaking to those who've gone on" is really a sort of hopeful act. I want to be heard, maybe I even need to be heard. I guess there's even some comfort in hoping I might be heard. It's not that the alternative is unbearable, I guess it would just be a nice bonus to the weight of this existence. Talk about the evidence of things unseen. Duty, as Kant said, does not gain power through terror but by a sometimes reluctant reverence. What is our duty to those who pass on, and is it any different from the duty that existed before they passed? I think not, but certainly choice must enter into how we interpret it. I choose to honor that duty, and not reluctantly. I joyously seek to honor that duty I took on 25 years ago (and 2 months ago). Stephen Stills said "Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on". I don't think that's true any more. I think we do have a choice and I choose to rejoice AND to carry on. It's not like Bobbi's no longer beside me, she's inside me. Aren't we in each other? Does the silver chain that ties us together break when someone moves into a new plane of existence? What the heck am I talking about? LOL. I told you I wasn't sane....do the noises in my head bother you? I'm just grappling with questions that I suppose are pretty common to folks who have experienced loss. I guess all I'm saying is that I would like to think that we are heard. I'll keep you posted.

April 23, 2009, 5:30am - And so begins my third month without Bobbi.
It's a lonely morning waking up and shouting "I love you Bobbi" to whatever in the cosmos can hear..... and yet I must still recall that she is alive and well and safe and warm in my heart and in the hearts of so many who know her. Should I say "knew her"? Ah well....
It's supposed to be a beautiful day, and I'll be spending it in a class. At least I have Boy Scouts to look forward to. Please forgive my "rant about my aunt". It's not polite to talk that way and I apologize. She is, after all, one of God's creatures.

April 22, 2009, 9:30pm - Well, the two month anniversary has passed. It was a good day. I worked like crazy after work- I spread 6 tons of composted mulch/topsoil on the front yard and planted grass seed. If there's gonna be a party we're going to need a nice lawn. I also mulched David and Donna's garden and a bunch of mine. I also spread composted manure (I stink!). I treated myself to supper out. If I'd gotten done sooner I could have had supper with the Livengoods over at Fines Creek, but I didn't.
It seems so strange to not have Bobbi. She was always right beside me in the yard or in the garden. Her flowers are coming up all over the place. Ah well, darlin, I'll take care of your flowers for ya.
Breakfast this morning was wonderful. Not even the antics of "she who must not be named" (Valdemort) could ruin it. I guess I'm afraid. When we were younger (30s) my brothers and I would tease each other about which uncle we would end up being like. I'm afraid I might end up like Valdemort. Some folks won't know what I mean. Think Scrooge mixed with Mommy Dearest. I guess it's not very nice of me to say that, but I think family members will agree that Scrooge mixed with Mommy Dearest is an understatement. Humbug.
April 22, 2009, 7:30am - Okay, yesterday's group therapy session was not "therapy". It's more like a "rap group". Still, it was good. There was one other fellow and the councilor. The other guy, Norm, lost his wife of 51 years last October. She was found to have cancer after it had spread to her bones, and she dies in seven months. It wasn't what I expected, but it was still good, and if I'm not off fishing next month I'll go back.
I had a nice time working at Kim's. They need doors for little closets upstairs under the eaves, so I started making some. I also spent the obligatory time sanding sheet rock mud.
I guess this is an okay week so far. It's certainly not as "up" as last week, but not as "down" as the week before. That said I'm having breakfast with Aunt Mary this morning. The week could go either way after that. I'll keep you posted.

April 21, 2009, 7:30am - Today is the group therapy grief session. I'll keep you posted.

April 20, 2009, 7:30am - Happy New Week. Last night was a little rough, but as bad as it has been. Maybe it is the weather...... I put Peter Gabriel on the stereo, but instead of listening to Red Rain back to back (only once last night) I played some songs that ar a little more hopeful (I hope)- Don't Give Up, In Your Eyes, Secret World. Then, when the "condensation" had finally stopped I played Solsbury Hill and that cheered me up. How can a song like that let you stay sad?
I spent the day yesterday trying to straighten up, but wasn't very successful. I'd find something, a letter, a card, a photo, and I'd stop and get swept up by memory (and sometimes regret). Maybe it's just the rain (it's raining today, too). The good news is I'm going to see those kids tomorrow, and there are still people who love me. It will get better. I have to believe that- I'm trying to. In the meantime I'll use an AA thing- "Act as if yee have faith and faith will be given". Translation- fake it till you make it. I'll keep you posted.

April 19, 2009, 6:30pm - Yesterday was a glorious day. Of course yesterday morning I was useless. Finally I took a nap and got up at lunchtime and went out and got some things done. While using my new brush cutter I found a huge patch of yellow Lady Slipper orchids. I was so delighted I sort of sat down and "vegged out" for a while, then went and worked in the garden. At 3:30 I left and met Greg at the grand opening of the new local Best Buy (it was a bust), then went over to Greg and Susan's for supper with them and Donna. It was very nice. Then I looked at the "installation art" that Susan is doing as a memorial for Bobbi and women dealing with breast cancer. Part of that required us to capture some still pictures from a video of Bobbi. It was the one of her at the beach when she didn't I was filming her as she ran her hands through her hair. Susan and I both cried (but I was smiling). The show should be pretty good. I'll let you know when the penning is.
Today it rained all day. Ah well, we sure can use it. So I did laundry and took a nap and did more laundry and tried to disguise the fact that a bachelor now lives (maybe I should say "infests" LOL) in this house. I did dishes and made a weak attempt at imposing order. I also made some calls and tried to catch up with people. Later Casey came over and helped move out the single bed he made for and lent to me (the one I used to sleep by Bobbi's hospital bed). It stills seems like yesterday we put it together. Of course it seems like yesterday she was still here. It made me think of Bobbi and Kim and Kira and a picture we took a few days before Bobbi passed. I can't help but smile at the picture. To me all three girls are beautiful, and I can see the love shining out from Bobbi's crippled face. God, I miss her.
This has been a good week emotionally. I can tell the wave has crested, but I don't think the valley will dip quite as low. Of course all this goes on as I try to find my place in the world. Maybe I have already found it (or never left it), but for so long my perception of it was tied up with someone who is no longer here.... or maybe it's just my own flawed perception once again. I tell you, when I look into that baby girl's face I do see Bobbi. I see her face and I feel her warmth. It's always an inside job, and I know my life is better now because of Bobbi. I know that she absolutely and without reservation loved me. Wasn't that a nice thing to do for someone? God, I miss her.

April 18, 2009, 7:30am - What a slacker, eh? Well, I've had a heck of a week (mostly all good). I finally got the taxes taken care of with the help of "the girls" at H&R Block. Thank you Connie and Colleen! Scouts went well thursday, then yesterday I drove to Red Clay for the Joint Tribal Council. It has been 25 years since I was there last (with Bobbi as a matter of fact). It was a wonderful day. I can't think of many things to bring focus than going to water at "the blue hole" (a spring where the water comes up so clear and cold it looks blue). On the way home I swung up through Knoxville and saw John and brother Sam (with a side trip to the Guitar Center). On the way home I wanted to go to the book store in Pigeon Forge- HUGE mistake. It took three hours to go the last six miles. I didn't get home till 1:30am this morning.
Anyway, it's a beautiful day. I'm going to weed eat and mow, then go to Greg and Susan's for supper. Did I mention it's a beautiful day? It's not just the weather or taxes that have my spirits up (though they don't hurt). Since I had my epiphany this week I've been in a good mood. I'm sad Bobbi isn't in my house, but she's always in my heart. How many people live together but don't like each other? I reckon I'm still coming out ahead. My angel is now an angel in so many ways, and we can all use help from the other side. There's still so much of Bobbi's work left to do and I'm going to do it (starting with yard work! LOL).
I love you Bobbi Lynn!!!!

April 14, 2009, 10:30pm - Well, today was a great day. Lots of loved ones having birthdays around now. I saw so many good friends today- it was a blessing. Then I went to Kim's house and got some sheet rock done. After that, Bobbi's mom joined us and we went to see the movie Monsters vs Aliens. What a great movie (if you're 6). It is a good day. It's wonderful to be loved and be around people you love. I'm blessed.... and sleepy! More tomorrow!

April 13, 2009, 10:30pm - I just got home from supper at Dave and Donna's. It's Donna's birthday. Tomorrow is my dad's and the next day is my sister Suzie's. Now I'm here in this house alone, but that's okay. I know Bobbi loves me and I love her. Still I'd give it all and any appendage you care to name for five more seconds with her- just long enough to tell her I love her one more time. Ah well, I'll have to keep doing it from this side.
Bobbi's mom is home, and she's home alone too. It's very hard for her, and I wish I could offer more comfort. I think it's especially hard for her to come home from a house full of family to an empty house full of memories. Y'all take a tip from Noni and I- grab everyone you love and hold them tight, and never miss a chance to tell them you love them. Do it for us, and do it for yourselves. This is the time we have for livin'.
April 13, 2009, 7:30am - Yesterday was a glorious day. It was bright, sunny and comfortably warm. I finished the roof on the shed! Man, that was tough to do alone, but I rigged a board on spacers at the eaves to hold the tin in place AND to keep my large self from sliding off. I even got a bit in the garden done. I have two beds of greens all planted- endive, red and green and other kinds of lettuce, escarole. When I was done it was sadly too late to go to Asheville, so I joined Kim and "the kids" at Sonny's mom's house for supper. It was nice to get out of the house.
I talked to my lil'gal a lot yesterday. Mostly I don't like to think about the other side. Traditionally it is... shall we say "impolite"? I guess traditionally to evoke the departed calls them back from a better place to a stinky place (here) and is consider pretty selfish. I had been, when it was bad, calling her back, asking her to come back. I'm not doing that any more (for now anyway). I have to focus on what is here and now. I would like to think I'm coming to the place emotionally where I can do that. I'm not alone and I need to keep reminding myself (for now) of that. Thanks to y'all for your help. I'll keep you posted.
Hi Madi!

April 12, 2009, 9:30am - Maybe it's the sunshine making a glorious day. Maybe it's because of this day when so many celebrate life and the resurrection. Maybe it was the tasty breakfast at Granny's. For whatever reason, and for however long, I am right now blessedly filled with a spirit of joy and love, of gratitude and honor, and of the sweetest memories of our beloved Bobbi. She truly loved you all and I'd like to think still loves you all (and me too!). A while ago I began a conversation with her (one of many I have daily). I think Joseph Campbell called it "Active Imagination" (or maybe it was Freud) and I told her as I placed my hand over my heart "I guess it's really like you never left and never will leave, because what we feel is how we are touched inside, and since it's not a physical touch it can not be removed by a physical absence". As I spoke I did feel a bit of burden lift. I know that sadness will return. I also know it will be less and for less time, and though never gone as it lessens it will be replaced by joy and love, at honor for having loved and been (and dare I say continue to be) loved by her.
We are all truly blessed, and none more than myself. Of course she loved her family, and I've no doubt that in a list of whom she loved most I might tie for third, but I'm the one she chose to love. She picked me. That's the kind of thing that will kick a person's "low self esteem" right in the buttocks! (You will noticed how I'm keeping it clean for the kiddies?) It really is a beautiful day. Happy Easter to you all.

April 12, 2009, 6:00am - Happy Easter. I fell asleep on the couch last night watching West Wing on DVD, but I guess I slept pretty well. The rain has stopped and the moon is out. It's cold, but not freezing (not quite). Lucky for me, because I left all the plants outside. So, a sunny day at last. Today the shed gets it's roof. I woke up thinking about Bobbi and my dad...... I guess the inner child is part of the sadness. I have this phrase that keeps running through my head- "she didn't leave me, she was taken". That's it, isn't it? They didn't leave, they were taken. I have to stop making fun of people who go looking for ways to communicate with departed loved ones. I have a whole new understanding of their motivations, and I'm sorry it doesn't work. Hey, it doesn't work, does it? Do you think it might? Does anyone have Whoopi Goldberg's number?
So this is what "stage four" in the stages of dealing with grief is like. Can I take comfort that I am at stage 4 of the 5 stages? Maybe. Not yet, but maybe soon. I gave Bobbi a copy of A GIFT FROM THE SEA by Anne Morrow Lindbergh who wrote the book to help deal with the loss of her first child. She wrote- It isn't for the moment you are struckthat you need courage, but for the long up hill battle to faith, sanity and security. That passage meant a lot to me and to Bobbi, especially after her dad died. Is that what I am on, a a journey to sanity? Maybe.
Bobbi's mom should be back in NC by now. Our niece Madison (Hi Madi!!!) has been keeping me posted via text messages. They had fun in FL on their new boat and they all drove home yesterday. Madi reads the page a lot and occasionally prompts me about updates. Luckily I've kept this page PG. I gotta tell ya, at times that has been hard. But I promised Bobbi I'd take care of everyone and I guess that includes not using bad language in front of the kids. $#@!$#%$#@!!! Just kidding. Thanks, Madi, for keeping me in line! Auntie Bobbi thanks you, too.

April 11, 2009, 7:00am - I feel a little better this morning, and I got a little sleep. I had dreams about Bobbi I can't really recall, but I did wake up smiling. As I lay awake I was thinking she'd have approved of some of the changes I'd like to make here- move the music gear to "my" bedroom and clear out the guest room- things like that. If I can get the green tin roof on the shed I can make a stab at getting going on the siding again. I'm also thinking about the party and what landscaping changes might be needed. I found a lot of photos from last year of Bobbi and her mom working on her flower beds, so I have to put tending those on my to-do list too! Just thinking about Bobbi and her garden makes me smile. That's a good sign, right? Now, if only the weather will clear for a few days....
That reminds me- I have Gale's mother's china cabinet. It's beautiful and all, but it is a Livengood family heirloom. If Kim doesn't want it then a Livengood-type person might. I reckon Gale and Lynn's kids need to think about that. No rush, but I know the value of family heirlooms.
I went back a year and read the blog. Last year we were spreading mulch along the trail at "the village". Bobbi was having radiation to her head and we pretty whiped out, but she still spent the day with the cub scouts. She was a tough cookie.
While cleaning up my hard drive I found all the videos from the Livengood Reunion at Seabrook and the holidays here in WNC in 2007. Some of those are pretty funny (especially Uncle Dave). I feel a Livengood DVD coming on. I also found videos from Xmas 2007 at Kim's house. Bobbi and Ethan- that is pretty wonderful to watch. Ethan instructs Bobbi how to work a ray gun, then proceeds to act shot and collapse to the floor while Bobbi stares at the ray gun in her hand she has not yet aimed or fired. Yes, I am somewhat partial to those crazy kids. It reminds me that what I've lost is still less than what I gained and still have. It feels like I lost everything at times, but I know that's not true. One and one ain't always two. I think part of the problem is how close I was to the last year's events. The trap is that decline into sickness has overshadowed my memory of the other 24 years. That's a pretty human mistake to make I reckon. If only the realization could enable me to instantly overcome it. We are all blessed by her and she and I did have a wonderful life together and I need to remember that and stop thinking about the cancer. I guess I'll put that on my to-do list too! I realized another thing tht's holding me back. Before I share it with you let me say I don't want the phone ringing off the hook with people telling me I'm wrong. It's an unreasonable fear (I hope) and reason won't get me over it. Besides, I think the realization gets me half way there. I guess I'm afraid that before I met Bobbi "I" and my life (to use the language in my head) wasn't worth much of nothing, and with her gone it won't be worth nuthin' again. That's the childish fear, but it's wrong, right? At an emotional level (is there any other?) I'm tying my self-worth to her, and I don't guess that's fair to Bobbi. Well, that's why they call it "low self esteem". Before you bug me about it Bobbi and I each wrestled that demon so don't bug me about it! LOL. I guess the only way my life would be "not worth nuthin" would be if I let it, so I won't. Maybe I can move on. I have to- she told me to. I have it in writting ;-) You can bug me, but not about that. So you got another issue? Bug away!
It seems that slowly, haltingly, I may be beginning to move on. I'll keep you posted.

April 10, 2009, 1:00pm - Wow, I really get a release from music. This morning (after a restless night) I drug out of bed and into the hottest tub I could stand (poor man's sweat lodge). It was raining like crazy. Then around 9am I got up and made coffee and started playing. I played Redemption Song for an hour before I could sing it, tear streaming down my face, then Living Years, Pacing The Cage, Daisy a Day (of course) and Boy Inside The Man. Gradually the tears slowed (can I get an "Amen" for Kleenex?). That's nearly four straight hours of playing. That's a lot for me in one sitting.
While drinking coffee I planted daisies for Bobbi. I'm gonna plant a lot of daisies. Good news- the forecast is improving. It's supposed to stop raining tonight and be nice the rest of the weekend. Time to work on the house!

Sister cool this face, as if it's made of stone.
Don't leave me in this place like a boy without a home.
.... I knew she'd understand the boy inside the man.
Tom Cochrane

April 9, 2009, 5:00pm - Well, I'm sick. I felt better when I got up, but when I left the house and "fanned around" in the cool air my sore throat came back. I'll go ahead and stay home tonight, and if I'm better in the morning I'll beat feet. Otherwise, I guess I'll be home in bed this weekend. Happy Easter. Today I closed our main bank account. I hadn't intended to, I just wanted checks with my drivers license number instead of Bobbi's. I guess I put that sort of thing off long enough. The good news is that if I stay home AND get better AND the weather is good I can get a lot done here, and then go down next weekend. Bobbi would have liked me to get the house and shed done. It's a beautiful day here- you'd never know we had 8 inches of snow two days ago. I'm drinking chicken soup with tons of garlic- Mojo Juice.
Today my friend Agnes and her family stopped by on their way home. One of her sons just got back from Iraq (his third deployment) and they were at New Bern, NC to welcome him home. They came by here on their way back to Wyoming to check on me. She lost her husband ten years ago and has an idea what this is like. That was a nice surprise, having them come out of their way to visit. I'll go visit them when we're out in Idaho this summer. Wyoming is just over the mountains.
I think about what Bobbi would have done today. That's easy, she'd be out in her flower garden, probably moving bulbs around or weeding. I'm okay today. I'm smiling and thanking The Powers for the gift that was our Bobbi. I'm glad to be sad, but not too sad. Glad and sort of proud to care. It took a long time to let all of my guard down for her, and even this pain doesn't make me regret that. I guess I played out my own Kobayashi Maru scenario this last year. I hope I passed. So it's time to work on her party! I'm thinking BBQ of all kinds, lawn games (badmitten, croquette, etc), a dance floor, bandstand (bring an instrument even if it's comb and toilet paper!), even some karaoke. We can set up a water-slide in the yard. Tiki torches, stuffed parrots and tacky fake palm trees are a must. We'll set up the big pavilion.... probably make some long tables (y'all bring lawn chairs). I'll have coolers so you can bring your own drinks, and of course I'll have gallons of iced tea and lemonade....
April 9, 2009, 6:00am - Yeah, I have a cold. It's better this morning- don't knock the power of garlic. I'm going to go soak in a hot tub and sweat it out. Maybe I can salvage a beach trip, but I'm not worried about it. There's always next weekend. Jill sent me pillows made from Bobbi's clothes. They're wonderful! Do I seem like a guy who'd be excited by upholstery??? They're great- thanks sis.

April 8, 2009, 6:30pm - Yeah, the hits just keep on coming. Today I started the process to take Bobbi off of the bank accounts. I can not tell you how surreal it is- removing the evidence of a loved one's existence. I guess maybe I should not have waited so long to do it. I guess I was hoping.... well, you know. Anyway, I guess it's okay to erase her from computer files... that's really all we're doing. I just sat there and cried. What about that?
I think the dilemma of going to the beach is solved for me- I've had the oil changes, the wheels balanced, the tires rotated and I'm coughing and have a bad sore throat (what a perfect house guest I'd make!). That's okay, maybe I'll develop a fever and have another vision. That would be okay with me. Of course, I am making MoJo Soup (1lb of chicken and 2lbs of garlic!) and I might be fine by tomorrow. I'll go ahead and go right to bed... or maybe soak in a hot tub THEN go to bed.
Someone wrote me pleading with me to keep this web site up. Let me say this. I'm in no hurry to take the site down, but the idea is that the site keeps folks posted on how Bobbi is doing. Well, I don't reckon anyone needs any more updates. Still, there seems to be some therapeutic value in "letting it all hang out", and you need updates on the Bobbi Birthday Party. I'm just musing about what for the page will take later. As unlikely as it seems now, someday I may be in better shape- no "over" Bobbi but able to enjoy the memory without the occasional (or frequent) onset of grief. What then? News of the rest of the family? Politics <sticks finger in mouth and gags>? Well, maybe the site will evolve all on it's own. For the time being, it's comforting to know that the people who read this share my sense of loss and want to always honor Bobbi. One day we'll all smile. Till then don't worry- I love the sound of my own voice, even when it's in my head. Do the voices in my head bother you??? LOL- I'll keep you posted.
April 8, 2009, 7:30am - Yes, we had a bunch of snow, but today it's sunny (and melting). Yesterday I had lunch with the grief councilor from Hospice. It was good. He seemed good at his job and it was a comfort somehow to talk about these things to a stranger. I think he was satisfied I'm not suicidal or anything and that my appetite seemed okay. there is a group that meets once a month and Kim, Donna and I are invited.
I went over to Kim's and worked on the upstairs bedrooms a while, then had supper with them all and played with the kids. Kim and I talked about her mom and we both got a little sad. Okay, more than a little. Funny, we were both watching Kira and sad we couldn't tell Bobbi (in person) about the latest funny thing she does.... more later.

April 7, 2009, 7:30am - Woohoo, we got snow! I guess there's 6 or 8 inches out there, and it's still coming down. I always told Bobbi we get our biggest snows in April. The ground is warm, so the snow should soak in and help restore some of our groundwater. Bobbi would have loved it. Maybe she is loving it now. Since the weather is here I checked the forecast- rain this weekend (except for Sunday), but at the beach- sunny and warm. Hmmm.... I wonder if Donna is still down in FL with Sarah and Paul....
Anyway, it's starting out a good day. I think music and grand kids are my two best therapies. I'm in a pretty good mood- nice change. I'm looking around at pictures of my lil'gal and smiling a lot. Yesterday I was pretty low I had to go hide in the bathroom till one spell passed. Today I'm okay. This is the cycle, right? Good days and bad, and with time more good days than bad. Now, if the chief would call a snow day I could 4-wheel over to the kids and play in the snow! Ah well, some day. Maybe today if it's supposed to snow all day. I can go over after work and play in the snow! I'll keep you posted.

April 6, 2009, 10:30pm - I'm having a good night. I came home and announced to the cosmos "I love you Bobbi Lynn!", washed dishes, did laundry (I haven't ironed yet) and then went over to Brother Dave's for supper. After a quick game of Rummy 500 we went in and jammed a while. I never fail to be impressed at how David can just play anything. He picked up a base and we must have played Redemption Song (Bob Marley) for an hour. I guess I played "the hook" for 20 minutes while Dave just riffed a base lead- it was wonderful. We even played some Peter Gabriel (Solsbury Hill and Red Rain). Since we "went English" we finished up with Van Morrison and the Beatles (Crazy Love and In My Life). I didn't cry once! LOL! ps- I've got two inches of snow already and it's not even 11pm- what will we have by morning???
It's snowing like crazy off and on. Maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow and I can iron clothes (oh joy). I'm thinking about not going to the beach (dang) and staying home to work on the house (hooray) and do taxes (boooo). There's also only one guy left to cover the Scout meeting. Sigh. Being a grownup stinks (from time to time). Too bad I can't run a poll on the web page- y'all could vote- should I stay or should I go. LOL. I'll keep you posted.
April 6, 2009, 4:30pm - Yes, a full weekend. Woodbadge was great, except for the letdown at the end of a long project. It was good to be among friends. Many of them knew Bobbi. All of those liked her, and there were even a few who loved her. Yesterday, near the end, I thought I'd better find a phone and let Bobbi know I'll be home soon... then I caught myself. I know that's natural, and that I can expect that sort of thing to happen from time to time, but I don't like it very much. It sort of set me off, and I guess I let it rob some of my joy.
On the way home Becky called and I went over and had supper with her, Dick and Aunt Lib. It was great. I didn't get home till after 9pm and realized I should go on vacation and just stay home to clean the house! LOL- so I compromised, and I'll go on vacation but not clean the house. It was sad coming home to an empty house (well not empty- it's full of my mess!). It's better today, slowly getting better.
I had a sort of personal epiphany. I don't know, maybe it's an obvious thing (maybe not). I couple of years ago an old friend asked "how's your love life" and I made the statement "Great!  I was lucky enough to fall in love with my wife again." Today it hit me- that's the secret to a happy marriage. Whether they know it or not, the successful one are when couples fall in love again and again. My grandparents did it and I think Bobbi's folks did it, and even Bobbi and I learned to do it. I guess that makes me proud and a little sad at the same time. I never fooled myself- I may have an above average mind but I was always an emotional retard (till now of course). (okay, maybe now still). It took me a long time to learn that you can bail when the times get tough or you can stick and make it work. With the help of many loved ones I learned to do the latter. Maybe it's instinct for some folks, but for me it was just hard work (and maybe finally getting over puberty!).  That's the sad part- I was just getting good (or at least "better") at the "husband thing".  I guess Bobbi and I grew up together.
So here we go- it's time to grow. Again. Sheesh, I don't want to grow up, I just want my baby back. Ah well, I'll have to make do with seeing her in the faces of others. That's y'all, in case you don't know it. I'll keep you posted.

April 5, 2009, 9:30pm - Whew, home at last. It was a long but good weekend. All kinds of emotions were stirred up, but I'm so sleepy. I'll tell you tomorrow.

April 2, 2009, 7:30am - I was looking for a video to go with In My Life by The Beatles and found Paul McCartney in Kiev plying The Long And Winding Road. Yeah, that broke the dam. I'm just been weeping ever since (30 minutes?). I'm actually glad for these "events". It a release, I'm sure, and also a source of pride. I know as time goes on the pain will ease, and perhaps the sense of loss also. Of all the people who knew and loved and do love Bobbi I am the luckiest. It's not that she loved me most ( I don't even tie for second, it's Kim first and then the grand kids, and I'm okay with that). Still, I am the luckiest because I got to see her love you all as well as myself. I saw more of the love, even that which wasn't directed at me. It makes me proud that I was one, and also proud that my love was so strong, and it never failed at what might be called the worst of times. You all have a good day, and when you go home give everyone an extra long hug, for Bobbi and me. Thanks a lot. I'll keep you posted.
April 2, 2009, 6:00am - I lay awake this morning for some time. I guess I've been awake since 5am. After a while I was reminded of washing Bobbi. Laying where she lay all those months I remembered the look of love and gratitude on her face as I would gently bathe her, and I hope that the look of love and gratitude on my own face conveyed to her how grateful I was to not only have her in my life, but to have the depth of love and the kind of love that would make a that simple act convey so much.... I have a secret. In her last weeks, as her mind was going, she would call me, often terribly confused, but she would call. She would need help to call me because she couldn't remember how to work the phone. I'm smiling as I write this because of the joy I feel. How can this make me feel joy you wonder? Simple- no matter how much her brain was failing her she still knew that she needed and wanted me even if she wasn't sure why. No amount of drugs, no amount of pain, no scar tissue from surgery or radiation could erase from her mind the fact that she wanted, needed and loved me. Me. Thank you, Bobbi Lynn. That was awfully nice of you. The long and winding road still leads me back to your door.
I've always been in awe of her capacity to care, and for the depth of love she felt for all of us. Not cancer, not brain damage, not drugs, and not even death can take that away from us. It can, for a time, rob us of the earthly acts of love, but only until we realize we still can do that for each other. Some of you have always known this, and like me some of us have to keep rediscovering this. Bobbi's mom called me yesterday and read a letter from a cancer research foundation. Some of you have made donations in honor of Bobbi to support research that will, some day, find a cure for this dirty, conniving, evil thieving disease. Thank you.

April 1, 2009, 2:00am - Whew! I got home from a big ramble a little while ago. Brother Dave and I went over to Brother Sam's to drag him out of his cave. We all went to Guitar Center (musician wannabee's CHUCKIE CHEESE) and had a blast. I fell in love with a wonderful Martin 12 string... gotta keep that in mind for later. Then it was off to the ancestral gathering place of the ancient Lamberts (Cracker Barrel) for a nosh. All in all a good ramble. I missed my gal often, but felt like she'd have enjoyed it too. Yesterday was at times wistful but not tearful. I also talked to the bereavement councilor for hospice. He wants to have lunch with me next Tuesday. Either he wants to make sure I won't do myself an injury (like what- start eating at McDonalds?) of he needs an excuse to come to Cherokee and eat at GRANNYS. I'll keep you posted.
This weekend is another Boy Scouts weekend at camp. I'll leave Thursday afternoon and come home Sunday. I'll keep the page updated as I am able. I have some great pictures from Matt and Alayne, including one of our little dog Rikki and a herd of elk. Peace- Hugh

March 30, 2009, 10:00pm - Well, I'm home from Kim's house. The upstairs is coming along. I think Bobbi would be pleased. When I was done we all ate supper and watched BOLT. It was a lot of fun. When I got home Bobbi's mom called. She's home from Charlotte and had a good time there.
Tonight I'm trying to tidy up. I'm talking with Bobbi while I do it, and my active imagination is furnishing the Bobbi part. I guess I'm still carrying a lot of guilt for not treating her better. There it is, no matter how dumb it sounds. I don't dwell on shoulds and oughts much, but tonight I'm giving in a little. I just hope she knows how much I care. Then again, if the last year didn't show her I guess nothing ever would have. Maybe she knows after all. This is part of the process- coming to terms with a life without Bobbi. I started to say a world without Bobbi, but that wouldn't be right. I still see her in the faces of loved ones, especially the children. Some folks tell me they feel the presence of a departed loved one quite strongly. I guess I'm sad I don't much, except of the one time. It's not like I'm not willing or able. That's not a very Cherokee thing to wish for. The Cherokee way would be "yeah it sucks, now shut up, get up and move on." Good plan. I'll do it.... soon ;-)

March 29, 2009, 3:00pm - Well well... today I forgot that it had been five weeks and forgot the 12:20pm anniversary. I didn't forget Bobbi- all day I thought things like "yes, Bobbi would like these glasses" or "she would think this is a good color for a patio umbrella". I guess I'm healing.
The day did not turn sunny and warm as predicted, it dreary and cold. Still, I got the tomato seedlings potted in peat pots ready to put in the garden next month. I also got so Pablano peppers planted. I'd better bring them in though- it's supposed to be in the mid 20s tonight. I even went and got some green metal roofing for the potting shed, I'm just not going to try to put it up while it's still cold and wet. I think I'll work inside today. I might even get the loaned bed moved out and move "our" bed back in. I like that mattress a lot. Then I'll cook a small supper, offer up a toast to my sweetheart, then get out the guitars and see what solace music brings.
March 29, 2009, 5:00am - Yeah, well, we knew there'd be good days and bad, right? You wouldn't think I'd need to remind myself she's gone, but there I was diddy-bopping into the house yelling "Lucy, I'm home"..... Ah well, it turned into a pretty sad night. By nine I was done, just inconsolable, and I went to bed. Maybe it was because I talked to Donna, and we tend to get each other started. This morning is better. I know she would be sad to be the cause of sadness, and there is so much to be glad for. I'm trying to recall one of Tennyson's poem that makes the point that there are many things worse than death and I am so glad Bobbi is beyond the torture that was her cancer. I guess I'm just sad for me. Selfish it is, but understandable I hope. Still, the good news is that out of the whole of last week there were so few hours of sadness.
It comes down to this- I'm moving on. It seemed, for a time, like moving on would be some form of betrayal. It's not a rational thought, but a byproduct of the state of grief I was in. I think I've turned another corner. For the longest time I couldn't stand to be in the bedroom- our bedroom, and I wanted to redecorate it like some half-assed kind of exorcism. Last night I slept in our bedroom. Yeah, I was sad, but I did it. Now I don't care if I remodel it or not... except it would make more sense to move those dressers, and while I'm at it I might as well paint the walls...and that rug, sheesh! LOL. Yeah, baby, I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I hope you all have as good a day as I'm going to, but first- COFFEE!

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before.
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more,
In my life I love you more.
John Lennon and Paul McCartney

The Crossing
by an unpopular poet

And when the light of morning come
We’re beguiled by warmth of happy sun
Then noon us bathes in light both soft and warm
We dare to think we’re safe from harm.
And even sunset who’s light does fade
Can blind us to the hazards laid
Perhaps these times our hearts don’t break
When beloveds must a journey make
Maybe the night stays warm and soft
To ease their journey away aloft
But if red rain does chance to fall
Then even bravest hearts can fall
Dragon’s teeth can chew whom we hold dear
Faith can flee, replaced by fear
And hope could flee replaced with sorrow
We forget the promise of tomorrow
Then we who hold those hearts most dear
Must comfort them to ease their fear
And nurture those whose heart’s so worn
Forget the promise of the morn
Then crossing can be made in peace
Instead of fear of life’s release
So comfort one to comfort all
That we may God’s love again recall
When on the alter our beloved lay
We can endure the next new day

A Daisy A Day