"Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz

March 1 , 2009, 10:00pm - Oops- does anybody recall loading my camcorder and tripod into my van? I can't seem to find it.....

March 1 , 2009, 6:00pm - Wow! It's amazing! There ARE angels.... First of all, after I posted last someone called and told me they found my wallet. It took them an hour and a hlaf to track me down. Everything was in it. Then, when I got home I started cleaning up again. I'm finding little notes Bobbi left around the house, and some are quite recent. I can't tell you how blessed I feel right now. I miss her so much. I came and when I walked into the house I yelled "I LOVE YOU BOBBI!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!" When I looked down, here's what I found- an envelope with this written on the back:

Nothing defines a life
like friends and family.
So short the time we have-
spread the love. Happiness
and smiles will travel
like ripples on a pond .

To all my family and friends-
take this moment to realize
this is all the time we have.
NOW!
These are the treasures
of life- a fleeting hug and kiss.
XOXOX
Love You All
Sooo Much,
Bobbi

Holy moly- I have to be careful about throwing papers away! I miss you Bobbi.

March 1 , 2009, 3:00pm - Well, I had my own little one week anniversary moment. I've made it a week. I went over to Donna's house (the momma) and had breakfast with the family that was still there- snow-bound by flight delays. I had a tense drive home because I waited too long to leave. On the way home I decided to show some gumption, so I stopped at Dollar Store and bought garbage bags..... and lost my wallet somehow. How's your week going.
SIGN- LOST, wallet and wife in same week. Reward for return of either.
March 1 , 2009, 9:00am - Chris and Toni have just left. They are driving back to Illinois hoping to miss the snow (2"-6" called for by morning). Remember them for me- they have a special place in my heart. You don't always take Chris seriously- he's just kind of a big ole fun loving guy. Yet, when his dad was dying and when Bobbi was dying Chris and Toni, without a word, just stepped up and helped. I could not have taken care of Bobbi without them. There are many others not including (and not to forget) the Hospice people who helped us, but Chris and Toni were right here, and I could trust myself to sleep because I could trust them with Bobbi. There are maybe six or eight people I could have done that with, and Casey, Becky and Dick did actually also do it. I thank you all.
Today at 12:29pm it will have been one week since Bobbi died in my arms. There's so much still to be said, so much I wanted to say..... Everyone has been so kind. People especially want to encourage me to be assured that there is a life to follow this one, and I do take comfort in that. However- to my mind, we should live life as if there is no next world, as if this is all there is. Life is now, my life is now, your life is now. I suspect the next world is as incomprehensible as the outside world is to a baby in the womb. Who knows what manner our consciousness will take? Now, we are living and we are needed now, and when I needed you you were here with me now. She is with me still, now. There is so much left to do now.

The memorial was wonderful. If you were not there we missed you (I have your lasagna in my fridge). We had 234 people! We had people from Wilmington and West Palm Beach to Seattle and British Columbia. Even our Chief Michell Hicks was there. There should be a video. I'll have to look at the camera and make sure it came out. I'll also post photos of the displays as well as a smaller version of the memorial video Memories of Bobbi as soon as I can. It's too big to upload from our house. I'll do all that on the March page. In the meantime I'll let you download the program and maybe the music.
Last night the family get together at a nearby restaurant for a meal together.
I don't know what the future of this web page will be. It started out as a way to keep Bobbi in touch with you all. Now it seems it is as much a pressure relief valve for meself. There's so much to do now- we'll just have to see. I'll keep the page updated for a while. For now I thank you all so much. Bobbi loved everyone, even me. The care she showed was her love letter to us all. I'm forever proud that I brought her her to where my people have lived for 11,000 years. She is my love letter to you.

February 28, 2009, 8:30am - Beloved friends and family- today is the day. I'm on the way to the Youth Center. If you can not be with us you will be missed, but we understand. Think of my precious one today, and smile. She would never want to be the cause of sadness. We love you.

If I Should Die
If I should die and leave you
Be not like others, quick undone
Who keep long vigil by the silent
dust and weep.
For my sake turn to life and smile
Nerving thy heart and trembling
hand to comfort weaker souls than thee.
Complete these unfinished tasks of mine
And I perchance may therein comfort thee.
~Thomas Gray ~

February 26, 2009, 2:30pm - So- how's your week going? How strange. For over a year the care of my wife has consumed me. A week ago it was all I thought about for 24 hours a day, and now....... The comfort is being surrounded by people who also love her. The bird is set free, she is no longer in pain, that too is a comfort. I just miss her.

February 25, 2009, 8:30am - Oops, I had yesterday's dates wrong. Hello, my beloved ones. In the movie SHADOWLANDS C. L. Lewis's wife Joy, who was dying of bone cancer, told him the pain we feel then is part of the joy we feel now. That's the deal." Bobbi and I knew that. At odd moments, when something would make us aware of the fragility and splendor of this existence, we would occasionally say to each other "that's the deal." This morning I woke early after sleeping pretty badly. As I awoke, and in that half-aware time between dreams and waking, I was dreaming/reliving the previous day (or perhaps some other earlier memory) with all our family around is in our home.... and it occurred to me I hadn't hugged Bobbi yet today. So I got up and went into the kitchen and as I did so I became aware, and the memory and awareness flooded back. However, for the first time, instead of weeping I smiled. The joy of loving her flooded over me like a million butterflies I had to brush away from my eyes, except I didn't brush them away. The pain I feel now is part of the joy we felt and feel. That's the deal.
I'm not "over" Bobbi. I don't think I ever will be nor do I want to be. I think it's just we've moved into a new phase of our relationship. When I speak to her I'll hear her in my head, and in my heart. I look forward to seeing her "on the other side", but I will concentrate on honoring her here and now. I have to take care of all of you for her (just like you will take care of me for her). You'll need to be patient with me (like you didn't need to already), but remember- we love you all.
I've posted a map to the Youth Center for Saturday's memorial. You can use Google Maps to get directions by looking up the teen clinic-
Cherokee High School Teen Health Center
1570 Acquiona Rd
Cherokee, NC 28719
(828) 497-6217
The clinic is across the street in the same building as the Cherokee Youth Center. I also made a directions page you can see by clicking HERE. We're going to have a light luncheon after the service. We'll be serving Bobbi's favorite foods- lasagna, tapioca and Hersheys Kisses. A covered dish is welcome but not required. Dress is casual- it's a family gathering after all. You might even see a few Scout uniforms.

February 24, 2009, 6:30pm - What a day. Our family came over today and helped me. Bobbi's mom, sister Jill, sister-in-law Toni and Kim started going through all of Bobbi's things. They picked out a few of her coats to make me pillows with, and then the handled the rest. I don't know when I'd have been able to do it without feeling I was betraying Bobbi. Blessedly, it was okay for them to do it somehow. They even wanted to replace the carpet, but we have this time thing- the memorial is Saturday. I'll put it on my to-do list. David and Sam worked on the outside- tidying up, caulking, sweeping the decks and generally making themselves useful. I've been pouring over old photos. Maybe I can find some catharsis as well as good photos for the memorial- sort of a bonus.
I just can't believe she's gone. Note to self- she's not gone as long as she's in our hearts. Repeat this 5,000 times.
February 24, 2009, 8:30am - Good morning. I've been up since before seven, and mostly I've been trying to tidy up. That process is complicated- I'm having trouble seeing well, because I've been weeping constantly. So very much energy and effort, concentration and planning, and most every ounce of my energy for more than a year now has been to get her well, make her healthy, keep her comfortable and try to make her happy. How can all that have come to naught. Was it all for nothing? My head says no, but my heart..... I just miss her almost more than I can bear. Caring for Bobbi has consumed me, if that's the right word. I just miss her terribly.
Yesterday was really very good. I spent the day with so many loved ones, and went to Bobbi's mom's house for the evening. All her family was there except for Sarah (who was sorely missed). Somehow, being surrounded by the people who knew her longest and loved her most (except for Kim and I... okay, I'll give you her mom also) was a comfort. I spent such a good time with Kim, Sonny and the babies. Ethan tried to teach me to play a Wii. Today we should be here at our house (Bobbi's and mine) all day. Thank you if you tried to come over yesterday, I just had to try to comfort Bobbi's mother (and myself).
We made all the arrangements at the funeral home yesterday. It was a gentle experience. They let us see Bobbi's body before she was seal away. They even put a little makeup on her. She looked so pretty, but then I always thought she did anyway. Except for something very simple today we'll spend most of our time getting ready for this Saturday. We have so many wonderful photos, and of course they get me going too. I know that, as time goes on, it will get easier, but I'm actually proud it isn't easy. I know I am a well loved man by those still here and those who've gone on, but how wonderful to realize within yourself the capacity to care so deeply. I do miss her so.
Today we're getting ready for Saturday. Also, her family is helping me start the task of sorting through her things. We're packing up the medical accessories we no longer need, and doing a light "once over" through her clothes. I keep finding little sup rises- the small photo album she kept in her "when I'm having chemo" bag, cards I've given her she saved, little mementos...
We and I have had so many heartfelt communications of love, sorrow and condolence. I can't thank you enough. All I can do is be the man Bobbi thought I was, and may one day be. I'll try to care for you all like she would- like I promised her I would.
Thank you all.

February 23, 2009, 3:00pm - Hello. Thank you all so much for your calls and messages. Tonight we're going to Bobbi's mother's house. As hard as this is for me to deal with it is even harder on her. I'm sorry I'm not home to accept visitors, but I'll be home every evening the rest of this week.
It is a strange day. We're spending the day having photos made and visiting family. We're at Kim's house now having therapy (playing with grand kids). I'll keep you posted.

Before she died she wrote three letters- love letters. One was to Kim, one was to me, and one was to you all. You can read it HERE.

Eventually, all things merge into one,and a river runs through it.
The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time.
On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops.
Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.

Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It

February 23, 2009, 6:00am - I slept a little last night, and have been awake since 4am. I slept in the hospital bed Bobbi was in.... just hours ago, or was it years? No, it was just moments ago. This morning I go to the funeral home to make "arrangements", then come home to meet the medical equipment company who will pickup the bed, oxygen generator, etc.
Now is the time for guilt, second guessing, and all the futile but human processes that go along with survivor's guilt. I think I can skip most of that, but not so the profound sense of loss and grief, and the empty place in my life. I know that soon, day by day, it will start to get better, and then slowly better each day after that. Quite simply, I don't want to live in a world without Bobbi in it. That means I have to go find the things that reminds me that Bobbi is still in this world, in the very best sense of the word "in". I see her in he family, in our daughter, and especially in those wonderful grand kids. I have to get myself to the place where everyday is a celebration of that shining life.
I need to tell you all about Bobbi's brother Chris and his wife Toni. For the last week they were her right beside us, and when I was too tired to care for Bobbi they took over so I could rest. Casey, Becky and Dick were often there with us, as well as Bobbi's other brothers and sisters, mother and so many other family members and friends. We could not have done it without you. Thank you.
Those ghosts that surround me in this empty house are not what Bobbi was and is. It is the laughter of pleasant surprises, the nurturing of children, and the gentle bravery of going on even when you're not sure of your purpose. I know Bobbi struggled so long to overcome the sorrow of dealing with her father's and then her own illness. She did go on, so how can I not? Right now I'm not sure I want to, but I promised her I would. so I told her I would pick up the burden so that she could lay her's down. I have so many folks to look after for her. I guess I just miss Bobbi.

February 22, 2009, 8:45pm - I suppose the reality of what has occurred will sink in soon. Right now I am in a fog. My dearest one's presence is still here, surrounding me. Everyone is so kind, and I thank you. I'll have something from Bobbi to post as soon as I can type it. I just can't do it right now. I've had a thought that has rocked me to the core. For the first time in my life I live in a world without Bobbi in it. This would make the world a bleak place.... except Bobbi touched so many people. Those people resonate with the influence of Bobbi on them, and in that way Bobbi is still with us. Bless you all. Hugh

February 22, 2009, 5:45pm - Thank you all for your many many well wishes, thoughts and prayers.

February 22, 2009, 12:40pm - Most beloved family and friends. It has been my profound honor to have known and loved Bobbi for 25 years. Her valiant struggle against this terrible disease is surpassed by the love, care and support both she and I have received from all of our family and friends. We have tentative plans for a small family burial in a few days, and a memorial service to be held at the Cherokee Youth Center in Cherokee, NC on Saturday Feb. 28th, probably at 12pm. I'll post directions.
Be comforted in the knowledge that, at the end, Bobbi did not suffer. She was surrounded by loved ones, and her passing was as gentle as her sweet soul. We all miss her profoundly, none more so than our daughter, myself and her mother. Her terrible disease and her struggle against it remains an example of bravery for all of us to follow. As honored as I am to share her life, I am also honored to have brought her into the loving embrace of our community. Her huge heart belied her small frame, and she will ever be a blessing to all who knew her. We look forward to sharing many stories with you all on Saturday. May the blessings of a benevolent creator be on you and yours. Bobbi and I have and do love you all very much. Hugh

February 22, 2009, 12:40pm
At 12:29pm my beloved wife died peacefully in my arms surrounded by her family. I can not express my gratitude for all of the people who showed Bobbi and myself a limitless supply of love and support. I'll write more soon. We need to be quiet together for a while.

February 22, 2009, 8:30am - That lil'gal is one tough cookie. She's fading, but still fighting. I gave her a daisy today. Remember Bobbi and I love you all.
February 22, 2009, 4:00am - We continue to sit with Bobbi. She is, for all practical purposes, in a coma. Her breathing is shallow and labored, but she is surrounded by loved ones.... and it's snowing.

February 21, 2009, 10:00pm - Alas, Bobbi's breathing grows more labored and shallow. I don't think a rally is in the cards. Kim, Bobbi's mother, brother Chris and sisters Sarah (she just drove in from Charlotte) Jill are here. Brother Greg is on the way. Brother Mathew can not get a flight before Monday morning, but I held the phone to her ear and let him talk to her. We did the same with brother Paul, then played Redemption Song by Bob Marley for her. My brother David, Donna and nephews Sammy and Jordan have been in and out. Bobbi is as comfortable as we can make her. Of course, I'll keep you posted.
February 21, 2009, 7:30pm - And then again, she's a tough cookie, so we'll just have to see. Andrew, the hospice RN, drained her bladder. It seems her Foley Catheter had plugged. It could be Bobbi will rally now. I'll keep you posted.
PS- thank God for Hospice.
February 21, 2009, 6:00pm - She's going. It won't be long now. I wish she'd seen the house. I finished the side including the extension to the roof. Thank you all who helped.

February 21, 2009, 2:00pm - She's not really responding. I only got her to eat one bite of breakfast (her favorite- blueberry-banana pancakes), and she's not drinking anything. We're calling hospice.
February 21, 2009, 8:00am - We had a pretty good night. We're getting better at helping Bobbi stay comfortable. Sometimes that takes doing things best not discussed here. It is a great help having Chris and Toni. Chris pretty much single handedly took care of his dad his last two weeks. Bobbi trusts him and is comfortable with him and Toni. It's made a huge difference. Martha, our hospice nurse, spent a long time with us late yesterday helping with Bobbi and advising us on her care. Bobbi has a mostly restful night. She is not talking much, but she's much more comfortable. The waiting continues. Kim came over with Kira and got a smile out of Bobbi. That was a nice sight.
I tried to work outside yesterday, but is was cold and windy. Still, today will be warmer, so I should get the roof extension finished and start on the siding on the back wall. That is complicated by the electrical service. Nothing like a challenge, eh? I wish it was a little warmer so we could paint....C 'est la vie. I'll keep you posted.

February 20, 2009, 12:30pm - Okay, crisis over. We don't know what that was, though cleaning out "the plumbing" seems to have helped. Also, my truck is miraculously healed. I went out to run an errand, and I stood looking at the truck a while. I thought "well, unhooking the battery for a few days messed it up, but it's been hooked up for over a week now..... I bet...." and I tried it out. It runs great and everything works. I didn't even have to reprogram the keyless entry. Go figure.
February 20, 2009, 9:30am - Okay, I was wrong. She's very flushed, but she doesn't have a fever. Her temp. is 97.7 which is close to normal for her. She was "impacted:, and I went in and took care of that. She's still uncomfortable (and flushed), but might be settling down. It was a rough night. I didn't sleep much, and around 6am I thought her increasing pain was because I'd forgotten to change her Fentanyl patch. I changed the patch, and when I went to mark it on the meds log I saw it wasn't due to be changed till tonight. I didn't screw up- not this time anyway. Hospice is coming to check on her, and I gave her another dose of morphine. We'll keep you posted.
February 20, 2009, 8:00am - Well hell, in the last two hours Bobbi has developed a fever. She was fine a couple of hours ago when I fed her. I guess we'll just have to see...

February 19, 2009, 8:00pm- Sorry for the late update. Today was a busy day. Firstly, Bobbi had a good night and day. Chris and Toni took over for me last night. I took a sleeping pill and got seven hours sleep. I woke up at five, went and checked on Bobbi (she was fine), then went back to bed. After tossing and turning an hour I just got up and made coffee.
Toni discovered she would drink from the little juice cartons with the tiny straws. Excellent! On the other hand, she didn't eat much today. I got a treat myself. When I went in to check on her and give her the morning medications I said "hi honey." I was supervised to hear "hello lover" in reply. Talk about the little things in life... I was in a good mood all day (till 5pm anyway- more why later). I went into Asheville to pick up Bobbi's Woodbadge beads and neckerchief. I had lunch with my long time friend Clarke Kent Wittstruck, world famous raconteur and local attorney. He treated me to lunch and I tested two excellent places in South Asheville. We had a great visit, and it was a tremendous distraction. I went to the Scout office and talked with good friends, cried a little, and got Bobbi's stuff. Then I went to SAMS to get some little juice cartons, when I got a phone call. "There's water gushing from under the bathtub!" I knew just what it was- a blown connector to the washer hookup. I told Chris, over my lousy cell phone connection, to go to the pump house and turn off the water. He thought I said to go to the :birdhouse", and they spent several minutes wandering the yard, looking I guess for a birdhouse with plumbing! LOL. A second phone call cleared it up. I beat feet to LOWES and bought the connectors and the $80 compression tool I should have gotten the first time then sprinted home. It was the washer line, and I had it fixed in 20 minutes. Whew. How was your day? I'll keep you posted.

February 18, 2009, 4:00pm- Today is a pretty good day, considering. Bobbi is stile declining, but she did have the little rally. She was able to say hello to her brothers and sister, and when I did the "flying baby" maneuver with baby Kira Bobbi laughed out loud. Sister Jill arrived from NH safe and sound, and Greg and Susan brought her from the airport. Sarah had to go home, and Bobbi's mom has a bad cold (which worries us). Anyway, Greg and Susan took Jill to Bobbi's mom's to tend her.
I know you all are thinking of and praying for us- thank you. Bobbi has written everyone a letter which I will post soon. I just found her letter to me, and it's helped me deal with this. Bobbi has always been and will always be a being filled with love and care for all her friends and family. This event will not change that. We love you all.
February 18, 2009, 7:00am - Yesterday was pretty quiet. Bobbi's mom and sister Sarah came over. We all took turns sitting with Bobbi, and Chris helped me piddle around outside before I got tired of the cold and gave up. Later on we all watched MADAGASCAR 2 and had a good laugh, then we all went to sleep. I slept a little, but not well.
I had a little blessing this morning. Bobbi woke up at 4am and 7am fairly lucid. She didn't quote Shakespeare or anything, but she did speak in complete sentences. That was a treat for me. I really miss talking to her. She cried a bit and said she was very sad to go, and I said I was sad also. I said she should be glad she would soon be in paradise, but I was loosing my best friend for a while. That made her cry again. Stupid of me, but it was 4am. We talked quietly till she went to sleep. At 7am she spoke quite a bit, mostly to complain about the medicine. The morphine tastes okay (blueberry), but the liquid Ativan tastes "terrible." I offered to crush the pills and mix them with applesauce. "No more applesauce- pudding please." She asked for (and got) a banana (I sliced it and fed her slices), and asked for eggs for breakfast.
It snowed, sleeted and that turned into freezing rain this morning. I guess we have about a half an inch or so. However, our neighbor Tom has already plowed our driveway for us, and the snow plows just went by, so we should be fine in a bit. We're supposed to have a high of fifty.

February 17, 2009, 7:00am - We had a very quiet night. I think she slept better than I did. Around 2am she had a little trouble breathing, but I put oxygen on her and she settled down. For once she didn't fight it or take it off later. To keep it quiet I moved the oxygen machine into the bathroom and closed the door, and it's very tolerable. We spent the rest of the night dozing and holding hands. I know that, on some level of consciousness, she is aware of the touch. I just want to give her whatever comfort we can.
I guess the rest of the clan is gathering. Brother Matt is arranging to fly in from Seattle and Sister Jill comes in from NH tomorrow.

February 16, 2009, 8:00pm - It was a nice day. Sister Donna watched Bobbi for me so I could work on the house. I built eaves for the roof (it doesn't have them now). I got about 24' built and installed with Donna's help. Soon Kim came over with Kira (I showed Kira to Bobbi, and when Kira laughed Bobbi laughed). Soon after that Bobbi's mom, brother Chris, his wife Toni and sister Sarah came over. Martha the Hospice nurse came by and was talked about Bobbi. and ordered some meds in liquid form (she's having trouble swallowing. Then Brother Dave came and helped me finish the siding! Well, we finished it on that side anyway. It looks nice! I had asked Casey about borrowing a single bed and he said all he had was a mattress with no frame, but today he build a frame from scratch and delivered it all.
Cousin Pat came over and sat with Bobbi a while, then the girls from KidZone came up to see Bobbi. I fed her lasagna and pudding and she went right to sleep. Now we're getting ready for the night too. Chris and Toni will stay with us tonight. That's a blessing. I feel like I can relax a little. I'll keep you posted.
February 16, 2009, 7:30am - Good morning. It was a very quiet night. This morning Bobbi said she felt cold, and I gave her another blanket. She feels fine to me. We spent the evening lying quietly. I spoke to her from time to time, and sometimes I even got a response.
It might be a little soppy, but I embedded a video into the page. The song is a favorite of ours, and when I used to sing it to Bobbi she always used to cry. I'm sorry if you don't have broadband...

February 15, 2009, 7:30pm - Beloved friends and family. Bobbi is fading. Of course, no one can say how long we have, but the time grows short. One person Hospice suggested perhaps a week. Bobbi continues to grow weaker and less able to respond to stimuli. One day soon I am afraid I will say "I love you" and only hear echoes of replies past. Dr. Dick Olson and cousin Becky came by and spent some time with us. He too said time was short.
Bobbi had a lot of company today. Kim and Kira as well as Ethan brightened up our day, and well as Bobbi's brother Chris and his wife and other members of our family. It was a wonderful and tragic time. Tomorrow sister Sarah joins us for a time.
Today I stayed inside with Bobbi. Mostly I sang to her and rubbed her back, and took care of her. It is a joy and honor for me to do so. I need to do it. The need to care for my Bobbi flows out of me all the time. I don't think I could not do it. Anyway, I wanted to keep you posted.

February 15, 2009, 7:30am - It was a good night. Brother Steve came over and fixed us supper (yummy sirloin burgers and salad), but we both were party poopers. We fell asleep. We both slept mostly pretty well, and Bobbi didn't kick her covers off (or anything else). She has a little breakfast. It's getting harder to give her medications and harder to get her to drink anything. Still, for now, she seems comfortable. I'll keep you posted.

February 14, 2009, 5:30pm - David and I are home after a trip to LOWES for building materials. I guess I'll be sad not to finish the house before Bobbi "is set free", but glad we started it in time for her to see it. She did see all she could see from her wheelchair and it was nearly done on that side. It does look very nice I think.
Andrew, the Hospice RN who did Bobbi's "intake" came over today. He was very concerned by the report from the CNAs and the other RN. He says she is very much declined in the week since he met her. I said she declines daily. He told us how to care for her during this period and to give her anything she want's pretty much. We already are. Her body is doing what is called "compensating." As her systems have more difficulty functioning things like BP and heart rate go up to compensate. Nobody can say how much time is left, but she has been fighting so long.
In a day or two we're going to restrict visitors to immediate family only. I don't know how soon this will be, but soon. Please know we are taking pains to keep her warm and comfortable. As much as we all love her she loves all of you- maybe more. May God watch over all those who's hearts are heavy. I'll keep you posted.
February 14, 2009, 9:30am - Happy Valentines Day. We had a night. It's been a while since Bobbi staged a jail-break, so she tried last night. Now, the extra-cool height adjustable rollin-around hospital table was at the foot of the bed, but lil'gal knocked what was on it onto her. That was a big flower arrangement and a glass of prune juice. Sometime before or after this she removed all of her garments which offend her (discretion prevents me from naming them). This included the strap which secures her catheter line. Sigh. Anyway, I got her up, cleaned her up and changed her, cleaned the bed, changed the sheets and mattress pad, washed the sheets and pad, and then put her back to bed. I have to say that though I was restrained and understanding and as gentle as I could be while handling her alone.I'm pretty sure she considered herself ill-used. Ah well, I said The Long Healing Prayer and she settled down. She's resting well now. I'm going to have to talk Hospice into letting us got to 100 on the Fentanyl patches. I'm pretty sure break-through pain is making her restless.
So, it's a rainy day here. I got my truck back. It is not fixed- the garage (who I trust completely) spent 6 hours troubleshooting it's weirdness and said at last I needed to take it to the dealer. OMG- you know they hated saying that. They suspect a wiring harness issue. Me too, but how could it happen? I tried to call CAR TALK, but they didn't answer the phone. Dang you Tom and Ray, just when I need you most. LOL. Anyway, I sent them an email you can read HERE.
Anyway, it's raining so I can work inside. Later Dave will run me to LOWES and I'll get the next half of the siding project supplies. I'll keep you posted.

February 13, 2009, 9:30pm - Well, Bobbi is a little more "here" tonight. We had a lovely time with "the kids". About the only sure fire way to get Bobbi to laugh is put baby Kira in front of her. It's musical. They were all here when I gave Bobbi and Kim their valentines flowers. We put the baby in Bobbi's flowers and that just cheered her up no end. How can you be sad around a bundle of joy like that? Anyway, Kim and Sonny and I chatted with Bobbi a while, then after they went home we had supper and watched LOVEJOY. Now she's finally asleep. Me too- 'nite all.
February 13, 2009, 7:30am - It was a fairly quiet night...and day for that matter. Bobbi is interacting less and less. Last night for supper and this morning for breakfast she has not had much appetite. We're treating her urinary tract infection with antibiotics, and giving her increasing doses of pain medication. I guess the disease is progressing like we knew it would. I imagine the family will gather or visit more. That's nice for her. So here's the dichotomy- she is far easier to care for as she becomes less interactive. I wish she was harder to care for. I hope I'm up for this, but I can at least take comfort that the bird will be free when the cage is broken. I'll keep you posted.

February 12, 2009, 1:30pm - Last night was okay. I fell asleep on the floor beside Bobbi's bed, and when I woke up at midnight we'd been visited by angels. Jill Cooper made a tapioca run for us (and picked up a mattress pad and other essentials) and David had brought over an inflatable cot. I inflated the cot and settled down besides our girl. She slept okay, though around 2am I had to give her some extra pain meds. This morning went pretty well, and Bobbi fed herself for the first time in a while. We got the results of the urinalysis and she does have an infection.
The good news is my coworkers came back and we about finished the siding on the side. We had to stop because we ran out of materials (my truck is in the shop so I couldn't go to LOWES). By 1pm the side was as done as we could make it. How about that?
Today Bobbi is fair. She's very out of it. She perked up briefly when our friend Eddie and the Cherie came to visit. Mostly she's sleeping. Dorothy the home health nurse is sitting with her now. I'll keep you posted.

February 11, 2009, 7:30pm - Hospital Bed... to me it's like what a prison door must sound like- the sound of finality. I hope I'm wrong, but Bobbi seems to be going downhill. It's harder to engage her in conversation, and tough to get her to drink enough. She eats well at least. She's sleeping a lot. The hospital bed does make a lot of things easier- it's a blessing that way. The hospice nurse came out when I called them concerned about the color of her urine. The took a sample but think she's just not drinking enough. We'll see.
February 11, 2009, 3:30pm - Well, now we have a hospital bed and oxygen. It's not a mistake- this is really happening. Bobbi is comfortable in the bed, but the anti-bedsore inflate/deflate mattress seems cold to her. I guess we need a thick mattress pad to make her warm.Dave and Donna are lending me a cot to put beside her bed.
To make room for everything I've been packing up a lot of things in the bedroom....and I found all the cards she'd sent me over the years. I saved them, and I started reading them. I read them and I wept, and I wept for hours. Bobbi asked what was wrong and I told her it was my allergies. That's kind of true, I'm allergic to cancer. Zyrtec ain't helping.
February 11, 2009, 9:30am - Today we're finishing getting the bedroom ready for the hospital bed. I guess this is one of the most depressing events. It's like turning another corner, and not a good corner. David is taking off work to help me dismantle the 4-post bed frame and move the mattress. Bobbi i very groggy, and may have an infection. I'll ask the nurse when she comes....

February 10, 2009, 3:30pm - Well, last night was maybe fair. Today has been busy. I got up and made Bobbi french toast, and while it was cooking I snuck out and painted some more. Then I went to take a load to storage to make way for the hospital bed and my truck went fubar. Donna and Sarah picked me up at the auto shop on their way to see Bobbi- good timing. We had a visit from the hospice social workers and a surprise- hospice comes with lunch. Meal On Wheels brings us two lunches each day. Bobbi is complaining of stomach pain. I'm not sure if it's heartburn or a new symptom. I'll keep you posted.

February 9, 2009, 10:00pm - Well, we've had an assortment of folks here today. Our "intake" into hospice care continues. Today I learned Bobbi and a caregiver will get MeelsOnWheels lunches each weekday. They asked she had any special needs. I said yes- lasagna and tapioca. I started painting the house, at least the new siding anyway. It looks nice.
Bobbi is not doing well. She's slowly growing weaker and less coherent. Her periods of clarity are briefer, but it seems like she's crying a little less. I think she's too confused to be sad all the time, or she's still sad but forgets why. I worry about the time I'm no longer able to lift her. I guess we cross that bridge.... I'll keep you posted.
February 9, 2009, 7:00am - It was a better night. Bobbi was only awake once, and a little pudding and some chemicals settled her right now. Maybe my mom helped her calm down.
Today the Hospice social worker comes. We'll talk about insurance, wills, PoAs and the like I'm sure. I guess we're going to need a hospital bed sooner than I thought. At least her appetite remains good, and she has plenty of upper body strength..... She does keep talking about wanting to go home. Last night she suggested I could come with her. I told her I would. I suppose we all will one day. I'll keep you posted.

February 8, 2009, 10:00pm - A little while ago we were sitting in the bathroom chatting. Bobbi got quiet for a minute and said "Your mom is here." My mother? "yes, she right here" she said, "She's watching out for me." Thank you, mom.
February 8, 2009, 4:00pm - This morning our friends Michael and Cheryl came over and stayed with us for a while Cheryl was a great comfort to Bobbi, telling the Baha'i metaphor for death being a bird being release from a cage and going on a great adventure. We all agreed that Bobbi would be a pretty good angel to be on our side.
Kimmy and Kira came over and took care of Bobbi while I worked on the house. I got quite a bit done but the ground was so muddy I kept falling down (learning disability). I had to quit because I was afraid I'd hurt myself.

To consider that after the death of the body the spirit perishes,
is like imagining that a bird in a cage will be destroyed if the cage is broken,
though the bird has nothing to fear from the destruction of the cage.
Our body is like the cage, and the spirit is like the bird.
We see that without the cage this bird flies in the world of sleep;
therefore if the cage becomes broken, the bird will continue and exist:
its feelings will be even more powerful, its perceptions greater,
and its happiness increased. In truth, from hell it reaches a paradise
of delights, because for the thankful birds there is no paradise
greater than freedom from the cage. - Abdu’l-Baha

February 8, 2009, 9:00am - It wasn't a great night. We slept till about 1am, then Bobbi was up till 7am. She was very restless, and the scheduled drugs she got did not relax her. At least she's sleeping now. I was able to get a shower and make coffee, and soon I'll wake her up and give her toast with jam and some oatmeal. At least we have low cholesterol.
Of course it's raining. Yesterday was picture perfect (for February), but we were tied up all day. At least it's warmer. Maybe I can sneak out later and do a little work.
I've made and posted signs warning visitors to sanitize their hands and not to smoke. If y'all come, the sanitizer is inside the door on the counter on the right. I'll have coffee on and make some iced tea. Today is a good day for being inside with friends. We'll even watch the new LOVEJOY dvd I got. I'll keep you posted.

February 7, 2009, 7:45pm - Dave and Donna came over and let me go have a rest. I took a hot bath at their house, but couldn't sleep so I came home. Bobbi's siblings have all been very understanding of the decision. I still felt the need to apologize for not taking better care of their sister. It's not self flagellation (or maybe it is)- I don't feel at fault, but I really feel responsible. It's not that I cause her cancer, but it happened on my watch as it were. Saying "it's just one of those things" doesn't even begin to cover it, otherwise I would not be weeping. Anyway, they (her family) are all great of course, like she is. We're really lucky in so many ways. So now we wait. We'll manage Bobbi's care and monitor her condition. I'll need to get a hospital bed soon, and oxygen too. We're all here watching her slowly slip away, but it's still nice to have her here. I know she'll be relieved to make her transition, and we'll all take some comfort when she's finally at peace. I'll keep you posted.
February 7, 2009, 2:45pm - Okay, we have been enrolled in hospice care. The RN who came out was a very nice and caring fellow. He just left. Wow- five hours.... Anyway, we're now enrolled with hospice. Bobbi was okay with the experience. She was examined for about 30 minutes, and the rest of the time was us answering questions and him explaining the terms of hospice care. Kimmy was here with us also, and it was all pretty hard on us at first. As we answered questions I came to realize that we might have gone to hospice a lot sooner, but I guess this is still the right time. I know we all hoped that when the doctor said Bobbi was "responding well" she was getting better. She wasn't. At least now we know that we have a lot more control over making and keeping her comfortable.
Bobbi has been saying a lot today that she wants to go home. When we tell her she is home she says "no, home is where dad is." I know what she means, and I'm okay with that. Whatever gives her peace is what I want also. God bless us all, and bless and keep my beloved wife.
February 7, 2009, 8:00am - It was an okay night. Bobbi woke up at 1am and 4:30am, each time in an agitated state. A little Ativan settled her down, and I'd read to her for a while until she fell asleep. Now she woke up at 7:30am and expressed a desire for cocoa. She shall have it! I thought I'd make her an omelet too. She likes the idea. Last night she talked about her dad a lot. We all miss him terribly. Today is supposed to be gloious....well, as glorious as it gets in the middle of winter. I should be sunny and about 60f outside. I'll have Bobbi sit in thee sun while I work on the siding. She'll be my supervisor. I'll get her to finally decide on the paint color (her mom will help). The roofing contractor is supposed to show up (again- we'll see) to give me some estimates. He says that metal roofing has increased in price 50% in the last three months. Really? Well, we'll see.

February 6, 2009, 4:30pm - I guess it was a good day here. Kim and baby Kira came to help Donna (the momma) take care of Bobbi. Kelly the Home Health nurse came and changed to medical accessories. I'm told Bobbi mostly slept today, and was mostly pain-free. Now they are gone and it's she and me (Mrs. Oliver my grammar teacher should excuse me).
Bobbi is getting weaker. She's not really able to stand on her own now. The good news is we have respite care coming next week from noon till 4pm to help with Bobbi. Tomorrow a nurse from Hospice comes to do an "intake" interview. We'll get a new doctor, from Hospice, to manage her care. My brother Lloyd is in town with his girlfriend Susan, and we ought to have a nice visit. They're here because Susan's Uncle was killed in a light plane crash last Tuesday.
Mostly I'm telling Bobbi how much we love her. She needs that. I also tell her how we see her- not ravaged by cancer but they way she really is- beautiful and radiant. Every time we go into the bathroom she sees herself in the mirror, so she I tell her she ain't seeing right- she doesn't have her contacts in and she doesn't look like that. I don't even have to lie- I believe it. So, we're going day by day. I'll keep you posted.
February 6, 2009, 8:00am - It was a fair night. We were awake a lot, but we slept some also. We watched a little TV or tried to, but Bobbi was pretty restless so we tried to sleep. When she woke up again at 3am I read to her for a while. That settled her right down and she slept well un till just now when we woke her up.
The morning is looking up because the "we" that woke her up is the Home Health nurses. They are here to take care of Bobbi. After some medical checkups ("Why is her blood sugar 222? Did you give her chocolate???" <he hangs his head>) the got her up and they're giving her a shower. They are just so wonderful with her. She hates being "handled", but she likes them so much she doesn't complain. It's really kind of cute to watch. I'll keep you posted.

February 5, 2009, 7:00am - It wasn't a great night. It went well enough till about 3am, then no matter what I did I couldn't get Bobbi back to sleep. So, around 7am I got up and made her breakfast- hot cocoa, soft-boiled eggs and toast with jam. When I got to the bedroom she was fast asleep. Go figure. At least, when she was finished (and I gave her insulin and blood thinner shots) she went back to sleep.
Today I call the oncologist's office and ask that we be referred to Hospice. Her mom and I talked about it, and though we both agreed it was both sensible and probably the most compassionate thing to do....well, it broke our hearts. I told brother Dave about it and he seemed to agree (and if I'm not mistaken was kind enough not to say "duh"). I did get one more project nearly done. I hung the antler chandelier. I need to finish adjusting the height, but Bobbi though it was just perfect. I'll keep you posted...

February 4, 2009, 7:00pm - I guess this is about the hardest thing I've ever had to write.
I've been calling the Palliative Care program at the local regional hospital. Tonight I actually talked to the nurse who manages the program. We all met her when Bobbi was in the hospital after Labor Day for her ear and we liked her very much. Anyway, after answering a number of questions about Bobbi's treatment, meds and condition she asked if we had considered hospice. Well yes, we considered it, but when we mentioned it to Dr. P she (Dr. P) said Bobbi was "responding well" and it wasn't time to talk about hospice yet. So Mary asked "is Bobbi getting any better?" No. "Is she able to take care of herself?" No. Is her emotional health good?" No. Then she gently said "I think it is time to talk about hospice. Actually, Bobbi and I had talked about it several times today, and this evening Bobbi said she thought it was time to stop treatment, but she was afraid she'd die in two weeks. Anyway, I told the nurse this and she said Dr. P has just walked into the nurses station, let me talk to her. They talked, then I talked to Dr. P...... and we agreed that tomorrow we would call and arrange for hospice care.
This decision is reached neither lightly nor without lengthy discussion. It is the sensible decision, so why is it so damned hard? I guess that question answers itself. So there it is. We'll talk about it more tonight, but I imagine tomorrow I'll notify Dr. P we would like to suspend treatment and begin hospice care. God give me strength.

February 4, 2009, 3:00pm - It's still cold. Last night and this morning was pretty good. Bobbi was still very sad, but she was much more coherent. This morning Bobbi said she didn't want doctors to poke her any more. I asked if she meant she didn't want to have any more treatments and she said "yes". Later on I asked if she still meant that and she didn't really answer me either way.
In the meantime I'm playing phone tag with the palliative care people. I've also asked Home Health about a nurse to stay with Bobbi from noon till 4pm to help her mom. Bobbi is less and less able to stand or support herself and must now be lifted into and out of her bed and wheelchair. That's too much for an 81 yr old lady......
She called me and asked me to please come home, so I'm leaving work early. Brother Dave has volunteered to pick up an Rx for her, so off for home I go. I'll keep you posted.
February 4, 2009, 3:00am - Brrrr- baby, it's cold outside. It's about 10degrees and snowing, but not snowing very hard. The forecast is for another inch or so of snow. We'll see.
Last night was a good night. How often do you see me say that? I mean Bobbi was not confused- still depressed, but she was pretty much all there. We had a nice supper and watched Lord Of The Rings till about 9pm. Then we went to sleep and slept mostly through the night. I'm just up refilling a humidifier. I'll keep you posted.

February 3, 2009, 12:01am - Well, surprise- I got home at 5pm yesterday and there was an inch of snow on the ground! Donna (the momma) said it had snowed most of the day. Bobbi mostly slept or laid on the couch and watched TV, and Donna left to beat the snow home before it got too dark. I don't think it snowed any more, but it is cold, and there's a winter storm warning through Wednesday, but I think most of the snow is supposed to fall east of us. I guess I'd better keep an eye on the weather.
Tonight we had supper and went to bed, and I read to Bobbi till she fell asleep. At 11pm she woke up and asked if there was any dessert- tapioca to the rescue! After I fed her she rolled over and as I rubbed her back she said she felt like she was fading away. "I'm afraid I'm going to forget the good things" she said, and started to cry. "No no, my love, and if you do, it's only for a little while, and you'll forget the bad stuff, too." She was quiet a little while and then she said "I guess I'm going to go see my dad, and I guess mom will come, too." We were still for a moment, and I said "We're all going to go see your dad soon, honey, and my dad too, and when we're all together we'll only remember the good things." After a little while she went to sleep. I think maybe that's the first time in a while what I said actually did comfort her. It comforted me too.... sort of a bonus. I'll keep you posted.

February 2, 2009, 3:00pm - I talked to Bobbi's mom and Bobbi is sleeping. She's sleeping a lot lately. I called the palliative care department at the local hospital.They are an excellent resource for advising us on how to manage Bobbi's pain and other matters. We think that, if the doctor writes a prescription, we can get Home Health to come and stay with Bobbi to help her mom take care of her until I get home. We'll have to do something, because as Bobbi weakens her mom is unable to lift her into and out of her wheelchair and/or bed.
I appreciate you all so much. Can you believe it's been a year? We've had nearly 20,000 visits to this web page. I feel you all out there thinking of and praying for us. We need it. I'm convinced that is all that is sustaining us now. Bobbi and I talked a lot last night. She does have periods of clarity. It always floored me that she doesn't know how wonderful she is. She keeps asking me not to leave her.... can you believe it? I think if I had the words to make her know how special she is then she might take some comfort... Anyway, bless you all- you are blessing us. I'll keep you posted.
February 2, 2009, 8:00am - Surprise! At 7:30am the Home Health nurse came to give Bobbi a bath. Bobbi didn't want a bath- Bobbi wanted to go back to sleep. After checking vitals (while I gave her several shots) I talked her into the bath, well actually it was a shower. I turned on the new wall heater and heated the bathroom up and they did the rest. Now she's clean. I even made her some cocoa to help her stay warm.
She's pretty confused still. Her blood glucose level was pretty good, and that was after oatmeal and cocoa at 6am (she was hungry). I'm going to call the palliative care folks at the local hospital to advise me on managing her pain. I'll keep you posted.
February 2, 2009, 3:00am - A bit of a sleepless night for me. I keep lying awake and watching my girl sleep. Tonight....last night I guess, she told her sister the she (Bobbi) felt like she was "fading away." I guess that's right. I guess I'm afraid to sleep through whatever time I have left with her. Today she mostly slept- at least she's at peace then. When she's awake we both seem to cry a lot. I try not to, not when she's awake. I don't know why I am- I'm really very lucky. Anyway, I guess I'd better try to sleep. She'll need me strong. I'll keep you posted.

February 1, 2009, 7:00pm - Well, it was a day. It was hard for Bobbi. She didn't have much energy and slept through most of it. Dave and Donna came over, and while Donna sat with Bobbi while Dave and I finished all the prep on the side of the house. We cut and nailed up the foam sheathing, framed all the windows, wrapped the house with Tyvek and then installed the last two new windows. Just in time, too- it's supposed to get cold and rainy again this week.
Now Dave and Donna are entertaining and watching the SuperBowl. We're watching Key Largo. I'll whip up a little lasagna and we'll make it an early night.
February 1, 2009, 7:00am - And so- year two of fighting cancer begins.
Last night was okay. Bobbi woke up crying (or maybe I woke up and Bobbi was crying) a couple of time. An anti-anxiety pill settled her down and she was back to sleep in 10 minutes. So that's not a bad night.... as good as it gets these days. Today I'll take her for a little drive in the sunshine. When we come home I'll finish the bathroom heater and go work on the siding. Dave and I got the windows I need to finish the side, and we can continue nailing up siding.

January 31, 2009, 9:00pm - It's been a tough day. Medically, only a little trouble with some "digestive output" and the need for an occasional Tylenol. Emotionally however.... well, it's been rough. We've had a lot of support. Kim and crew came over (grand kids are the only sure-fire cure for the blues these days), Dave and Donna and Uncle Roy came and kept us company. Even Kathy Dugan brought a pound cake. It's still been almost crushingly sad for Bobbi. Even my power to charm has fizzled. So, since I can't make her cheer up, I'm doing chores. Dave helped me with the siding, and now I'm wiring up a wall-mounted bathroom heater. I also braced the shelves in her walk-in closet. Now we'll go to bed and try to sleep. I'll keep you posted.
January 31, 2009, 7:00am - Today is our one year anniversary. It's been one year since Bobbi was diagnosed as having Stage Four Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It's also a year to the day since cancer took her father.
Last night wasn't bad. We were up a couple of times with pain, but a tylenol took care of that. It's the most sleep I've had in some time, and I think Bobbi slept through it all also. I guess we'll see how today goes. Bobbi has the big pain patch on, but I haven't given her any Oxycodone since it did- just the Tylenol. Maybe we'll get a handle on the pain thing. If so then I can get her to sleep through the night without having to wake her up to give her a pain pill to keep her from waking up- it's a little bit like the 3 Stooges... "hey you, wake up and go to sleep!" Woob woob woob. I'll keep you posted.

O my God, incline your ear, and hear; open your eyes,
and behold our desolations, and the city which is called by your name:
for we do not present our supplications before you for our righteousnesses,
but for your great mercies. Daniel 9:18

Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. 
Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. 
Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. 
Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise. Baha'i Prayer for Healing

A Daisy A Day