"Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking." The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz
BOBBI MEMORIAL VIDEO- SMALL VERSION

April 1, 2009, 2:00am - Whew! I got home from a big ramble a little while ago. Brother Dave and I went over to Brother Sam's to drag him out of his cave. We all went to Guitar Center (musician wannabee's CHUCKIE CHEESE) and had a blast. I fell in love with a wonderful Martin 12 string... gotta keep that in mind for later. Then it was off to the ancestral gathering place of the ancient Lamberts (Cracker Barrel) for a nosh. All in all a good ramble. I missed my gal often, but felt like she'd have enjoyed it too. Yesterday was at times wistful but not tearful. I also talked to the bereavement councilor for hospice. He wants to have lunch with me next Tuesday. Either he wants to make sure I won't do myself an injury (like what- start eating at McDonalds?) of he needs an excuse to come to Cherokee and eat at GRANNYS. I'll keep you posted.
This weekend is another Boy Scouts weekend at camp. I'll leave Thursday afternoon and come home Sunday. I'll keep the page updated as I am able. I have some great pictures from Matt and Alayne, including one of our little dog Rikki and a herd of elk. Peace- Hugh

March 30, 2009, 10:00pm - Well, I'm home from Kim's house. The upstairs is coming along. I think Bobbi would be pleased. When I was done we all ate supper and watched BOLT. It was a lot of fun. When I got home Bobbi's mom called. She's home from Charlotte and had a good time there.
Tonight I'm trying to tidy up. I'm talking with Bobbi while I do it, and my active imagination is furnishing the Bobbi part. I guess I'm still carrying a lot of guilt for not treating her better. There it is, no matter how dumb it sounds. I don't dwell on shoulds and oughts much, but tonight I'm giving in a little. I just hope she knows how much I care. Then again, if the last year didn't show her I guess nothing ever would have. Maybe she knows after all. This is part of the process- coming to terms with a life without Bobbi. I started to say a world without Bobbi, but that wouldn't be right. I still see her in the faces of loved ones, especially the children. Some folks tell me they feel the presence of a departed loved one quite strongly. I guess I'm sad I don't much, except of the one time. It's not like I'm not willing or able. That's not a very Cherokee thing to wish for. The Cherokee way would be "yeah it sucks, now shut up, get up and move on." Good plan. I'll do it.... soon ;-)

March 29, 2009, 3:00pm - Well well... today I forgot that it had been five weeks and forgot the 12:20pm anniversary. I didn't forget Bobbi- all day I thought things like "yes, Bobbi would like these glasses" or "she would think this is a good color for a patio umbrella". I guess I'm healing.
The day did not turn sunny and warm as predicted, it dreary and cold. Still, I got the tomato seedlings potted in peat pots ready to put in the garden next month. I also got so Pablano peppers planted. I'd better bring them in though- it's supposed to be in the mid 20s tonight. I even went and got some green metal roofing for the potting shed, I'm just not going to try to put it up while it's still cold and wet. I think I'll work inside today. I might even get the loaned bed moved out and move "our" bed back in. I like that mattress a lot. Then I'll cook a small supper, offer up a toast to my sweetheart, then get out the guitars and see what solace music brings.
March 29, 2009, 5:00am - Yeah, well, we knew there'd be good days and bad, right? You wouldn't think I'd need to remind myself she's gone, but there I was diddy-bopping into the house yelling "Lucy, I'm home"..... Ah well, it turned into a pretty sad night. By nine I was done, just inconsolable, and I went to bed. Maybe it was because I talked to Donna, and we tend to get each other started. This morning is better. I know she would be sad to be the cause of sadness, and there is so much to be glad for. I'm trying to recall one of Tennyson's poem that makes the point that there are many things worse than death and I am so glad Bobbi is beyond the torture that was her cancer. I guess I'm just sad for me. Selfish it is, but understandable I hope. Still, the good news is that out of the whole of last week there were so few hours of sadness.
It comes down to this- I'm moving on. It seemed, for a time, like moving on would be some form of betrayal. It's not a rational thought, but a byproduct of the state of grief I was in. I think I've turned another corner. For the longest time I couldn't stand to be in the bedroom- our bedroom, and I wanted to redecorate it like some half-assed kind of exorcism. Last night I slept in our bedroom. Yeah, I was sad, but I did it. Now I don't care if I remodel it or not... except it would make more sense to move those dressers, and while I'm at it I might as well paint the walls...and that rug, sheesh! LOL. Yeah, baby, I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I hope you all have as good a day as I'm going to, but first- COFFEE!

March 28, 2009, 6:00pm - Greetings! We had a great camping trip. Since it rained like crazy we moved it indoors (at the youth center) and still had fun. We had seven boys and four adults and a few visitors. The boys did a lot of work and played a lot. We all had fun! I got home and, being a little tired, went looking for Bobbi to tell her about it. Laughing at myself, I then spoke to the cosmos and trusted she was listening. I guess the main thing is that even if the tears were streaming down I was smiling while I told her about it.
Now I'm home and doing a little housekeeping. I think I'll move the computer out of the living room and into the bedroom. There will be a home theater PC out there anyway. Then I can put my grandfather's easy chair back in the corner... maybe a reading lamp, too. I've tidied the kitchen and dining room up a bit, and started sorting through the correspondence- sympathy cards and bills, lots of each. No sweat, except I'm not the organized one in the family. I guess I'd better learn!
I'm enjoying thinking about a luau for Bobbi's birthday. I've settled on BBQ- a pig, several briskets and a bunch of chickens roasted on spits. We'll need gallons of iced tea and bushels of salad, corn, taters, etc. I'd say my not-too-shabby hush puppies and blooming onions are called for too! Holy moly, I'd better finish the siding and the front deck! We'll also need some entertainment- music fits the bill. We'll have karaoke and live music. Bring and instrument (even if it's comb and toilet paper!). Casey- bring hoolahoops, you're hoop dancing! Bobbi really wanted to have a party before she got too sick, but she did get sick. Now she's free of all that and we need to rejoice! See you June 27th! Be there or be square!

March 26, 2009, 8:30pm - Scouts went pretty well. We didn't have a lot of guys, but they'll come back. When I got home another Scouter had called and invited Bobbi and I to an "Eagle Court of Honor" (ceremony where a boy is presented with his Eagle rank award). It's on Woodbadge weekend so I can go, and we all know why Bobbi won't be there. I'll call them.
Today I've been singing to and praising Bobbi. I shout to make sure she can hear me ;-) It seems to help me focus on the good things and not my sense of loss. I am reminded how lucky I am the we had our time together. I think of marriages I know where even if one of us has died we're still luckier than some folks I have known. We had rough times that we worked out and became better for them. I count myself blessed. Still, I am at times staggered by how much I miss her. I'm glad she left me stronger so I can carry on, and joyfully. Anyway- camping with the Scouts this weekend. I'll keep you posted.
March 26, 2009, 4:00pm - It's time for Cub Scouts! Casey is taking over for Bobbi. That's kind of nice I think. Casey loves/loved Bobbi and Bobbi trusted Casey. I think it's fitting that Casey will take care of "her boys". I have to get ready now. I'll keep you posted.
March 26, 2009, 4:00am - Yeah, sometimes it's hard to sleep. I woke up with this thought running through my head and found I was thinking in Haiku-
Softly, softly she kisses me.
Would an act of contrition keep her?
I awake and I'm alone.
It sounds kind of soppy as Haiku. I guess I need to take the whining out and make it into a song. Haiku ain't my thing

March 25, 2009, 6:00pm - Today is a kind of sad day. Not depression like last week, just kind of down- missing Bobbi. Maybe it's the rain. I started going through files of Bobbi's on the computer and clearing out her email in box. I've also started cleaning. I've been out so much and coming home so late I haven't had time. This is the first night I've actually come straight home and stayed here in some time. There's plenty of mess to keep me busy! The rain has been coming down all day. Maybe the drought is really over.
It's very odd sometimes. I know this was "our" house, but I look around and see things that I think of as "her's"- her couch, her rocking chairs, her frogs.... I guess it's a good sign, I haven't really wept in a week. Just a few sniffles (like now). I just have to find my place in the world again. Monday night at Kim's was great. The drywall is coming along slowly but it was a blast being with all the kids. Maybe I should do that twice a week... remind myself what I still have. I think I really need to go stand in salt water, or "go to water" more likely. A basket of sweet grass practically leapt off of the bookshelves and landed in the middle of the room. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something.
It's good to be back at work. I've had a couple of pretty good weeks. It seems like I'm getting a lot accomplished. It's good to be back with the Scouts again. That seems to be going well...except I guess we'll be rained out on our camping trip this weekend.
How are you all? Excellent I hope. Remember- Bobbi and I love you.

March 24, 2009, 10:00pm - Today was a good day. Bobbi's brother Greg came to my office to see if he'd enjoy working in the computer field. I'll keep you posted. After work we went over to his house and supper with his sons, wife and mom (Donna aka Bobbi's mom). It was great. The chicken Divan was tasty as was the after-dinner conversation. Donna is going to go to Florida with Sarah and her crew in a couple of days. It also looks like rain will put a damper on my after-work house remodeling plans, so I'll have to move indoors.
I've started sorting through the laundry basket full of sympathy cards. I'll try to answer everyone. Thanks to all of you who sent one (or more). I appreciate it, I just wasn't able to open and read all of them until now. It made it too real and therefore was upsetting. Now it's a chance to share praise for Bobbi with you all. I can do it now. I will do it and I'll try to thank everyone.

March 23, 2009, 3:00pm - It's a good day. It's been good since Friday. I sometimes break out into simple shouted song- thinks like "I LOVE YOU BOBBBIIIIII" and such. I forgot to tell you. Donna got a letter from Bobbi's father's cousin Helen Livengood who is 93 and lives in SC. She had some photos of Bobbi and I from Gale and Donna's 45th anniversary. I had lamented that because I was behind the camera I had few photos of Bobbi and I together. Here's a blast from the past. Those crazy kids look happy, eh?
March 23, 2009, 5:00am - The dinner was a lot of fun, and it was nice to be with family for the evening. I told Donna she was my date and we had a good laugh. We also had fun, so maybe next week dinner and a movie?
We all like the idea of a big birthday bash for Bobbi, and June 27th is a Saturday, so it's a go! Party at Hugh and Bobbi's house! We'll cook a pig in the ground! Bobbi wanted so badly to have a luau last year- we'll do it for her this year!

March 22, 2009, 4:00pm - Well, today was a very productive day. I finished the outside of the shed and almost finished covering the inside with plywood. Dennis and Greg came over and helped me a bit. I haven't built all the shelves inside, but I can go ahead and start moving the stuff out of our storage unit. Bobbi would be pleased. Maybe she is.
Now I have to clean up and go meet Donna in Waynesville. I'm going to Becky and Dicks and will rife over with them. We should have a good time. I'll keep you posted.
March 22, 2009, 8:00am - In a little while it will be exactly one month since Bobbi passed away. I think, with her help, I've turned a corner. While I still grieve, I am no longer consumed by my grief. Since the "event" on Friday I have been rejoicing, praising the woman I have loved and will always love. Someday grief may consume me, but it is not this day. I'm smiling now, especially when I think of Bobbi Lynn- life does indeed go on. In my head I always knew I was alone inside my own skin, and that the part of other I let inside is not changed by their passing. All the people I love and have loved are still in my heart as is Bobbi, and she is in very good company (as are they).
I've stayed busy (as you all have suggested). The talent show was fun. Yesterday I worked on the storage shed and got it finished on the outside (except for the metal roof). Today I'll finish the inside shelves and walls and go clear our our storage building. Bobbi has been after me to do that for years. Sorry honey, I was distracted, but I'm on it now. David and Uncle Roy came and helped me most of the day. Tonight I'm taking Bobbi's mom to a benefit in Waynesville. Becky, Dick, Johanna and Libby will be there- it'll be a hoot.
So, my loves, at 12:29pm this afternoon pause with me and offer up a prayer of thanks for all the good people in our lives. Thank you all for helping me through all this. I've a way to go, but together we'll get there. There is so much of her work left to do.

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before.
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more,
In my life I love you more.

March 20, 2009, 2:00pm - I'm still rather blissed-out from this morning. Like I said- if it was a dream it was a good dream. I'd say I've had my Naw Ruz present.
March 20, 2009, 11:59am - So I'm just going to put this out there. You can take it for what it's worth, consider the source, whatever. Of course I'm having this bout of sleeplessness. Anyway, this morning I dosed off. As I was sitting there asleep I guess I had a dream/vision of Bobbi. She was radiant. She was bending down over me (so lil'gal had to be off the ground). She was absolutely radiant, and she was smiling... and oh, that smile.... It was as if she contained inside her the light of the sun. She was wearing Bobbi clothes, not any flowing ethereal gown, but she did seem to be floating above me. Anyway, she kept eye contact, smiling as warmly as I've ever seen, and leaned down and kissed me lightly. It had to be lightly because there wasn't time for more- I snapped awake practically falling out of my chair.... and I awoke (if that's what I did) with a feeling of joy and peace (or is that two feelings?). It's a nice change after the other feelings I have been feeling. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention it. Take it for what it's worth. I take it as a blessing. If it was a dream, then it was a good dream and I'm going back to sleep now.

March 19, 2009, 6:59am - Is it just another day? Nearly a month now...... I called out to her last night and, again, got no reply except inside my own head. Maybe that's as it should be even if it's not what I (or we all) would wish. I guess the capacity to care so deeply is a good thing, something paid for by the pain we now feel. That's the deal.
It's been a good week I think. I've stayed busy and gotten a lot of "piddly" stuff done- paperwork shuffled, bills paid, items returned. The good part was being able to visit friends and take comfort in their company. Tonight the scouts are meeting (and I with them). The kids are great and terrible- great when it goes well, and terrible if I perform poorly. I guess I anguish over every boy who drops out of the program... sort of a personal failure. Still, my life is now and so is their's and I'm back on the job!!!
Bobbi's mom should be home now, or at least nearby, maybe in Charlotte with Sarah and fam. Greg and Susan get back from San Antonio soon. Tomorrow "the fast" ends- Hooray!!! The steaks are at MY HOUSE!!! Actually, I'm going to play in a talent show tomorrow night (they said I could even if I didn't have any). I'll keep you posted.
I'm getting excited about a trip to salt water! It's always my best therapy- standing in the salt, preferably with a rod in my hand. As soon as I get the taxes straightened out I'm outta here! I'll keep you posted.

March 18, 2009, 11:59am - It's a hard thing to come to terms with..... For 25 years there has been only one earthly constant in my life- Bobbi. Even when I wasn't there for her, she was always there for me. It doesn't matter what my head knows, my heart has been calling out to her, begging her to come back, to bridge the gap, to breach the void... just a word, a whisper, something more tangible than memory. It's a hard thing to come to terms with the fact that that is never going to happen again. And so the life I knew is now a sort of half-life that I must fill as best as I will in order to survive- not just survive, but thrive. I don't know what I would do without the kids- all the kids, Kim, the grand kids, the boys, the nieces and nephews (adopted and otherwise).... and music. I guess I'm going to get back into music. At least I've learned that determination can (to some extent) make up for a lack of talent. Lucky break that. I'd still like to have a big party for Bobbi's 60th birthday. Y'all come.
Bobbi's mom flies home from Washington State today (last night actually I guess). Yesterday was a busy day. I got off work early and ran many errands. I got to visit some folks in Asheville then got home in time to take care of other busy work. I think I'll stay home and work on the house this week. How about a big cookout on Saturday? You have to stay outside though, I haven't cleaned the house lately (but the laundry is all done!!!).

March 16, 2009, 7:00am - It was hard coming home to an empty house.... it was hard going to camp without Bobbi. I guess the trick is really to learn to like a world without Bobbi in it. I know she's still "here" in many ways, but I want her here in all the selfish ways (me selfish)- to have, to hold, to laugh with... She is/was so sweet, she would always send cards and love letters whenever I went somewhere. When I packed my footlocker for Scout camp last year she even stuck cards in for the next time I used it... which was Thursday. It was kind of hard penning that case and getting cards from her making "romantical" suggestions and promises that can not now be kept, except in my imagination.... It just sticks a knife in my heart and twists and twists and twists... Peter Gabriel said that when two people form a couple that they become joined by streams of thought and being, making them more than just the two they were. He said there was a whole new world between the two people. He called it The Secret World and he wrote a pretty moving song about it. I was thinking that explains why so much of the world seems gone to me now. Then I come home to that house- her house, our house. I can't look anywhere and not see her or her prints... I tell you, I feel like I should just burn the sucker down and start all over. Of course I won't- that wouldn't be thrifty. I really don't like it here any more and I don't want to stay. I know it will get better as time goes on......it's just that sometimes this is not as easy as it looks and I'm not as strong as everyone things (at least sometimes). I just miss my lil'gal.... Sorry about that.
I talked to several people last night. That was a comfort. Folks are also now sending me photos from the memorial service. I didn't take any myself- I was otherwise preoccupied ;-) . Some are pretty great. We had a lot of Scouters there, and there's a photo of those in the audience being lead in the Scout Oath by the boys in our scout troop. It's pretty moving to me... I'll post other photos as they become available.

March 15, 2009, 10:00pm - I am home. I got back around 7pm and stopped by Dave's for supper. I was going to cook supper for myself, but Dave and Donna had fresh (and yummy) BBQ pork and potato salad. I can have a steak some other night.
The bereavement councilor from the hospice called to check on how we're doing. Then I talked to Jill and Chris. Donna is still in Seattle. Today it was three weeks since Bobbi passed. I marked the moment with a silent prayer. All the staff at scout camp was very supportive while I was there. I know that Bobbi would have enjoyed the experience. It's such good training, I'm glad to be a part of it. It's very odd being home alone.

The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.
- - - -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

March 14, 2009, 5:00pm - Greetings from Camp Daniel Boone. The Internet connection is too slow for much besides a test update. When I walked in Thursday night I was warmly greeted. Everyone has been very kind and supportive since I got here. Most of the staff knew Bobbi, at least from Woodbadge, and some rather a lot better. This is pretty good therapy for me I think. One of the sessions we teach is called "Leaving A Legacy", and that's what Bobbi has done in Scouting and in sp many other ways. I'll keep you posted.

March 12, 2009, 4:55pm - Sometimes it's just WIERD and upsetting to not have her here when I come home... There really is a hole in the world tonight....
March 12, 2009, 11:55am - I had supper at aunt Mary's last night. Cousin Regent was there, so it was okay. Tonight our scout troop meets for the first time in a long time! I hope it's well attended. After that I'm driving out to our local scout camp to participate in Woodbadge as an instructor. I'll probably be gone till Sunday, but I'll try to keep the page updated (if I have access to "the net". The cards and letters keep coming- thank you all. A friend has offerred to make a quilt from some of Bobbi's clothes. Since all I have left is a sweater- does anyone have some of her clothes I could have?

March 11, 2009, 4:55pm - Last night I made plans to go to Washington state in August tat.o visit Matt and Alayne, and also my sister and her husband in Oregon. We're planning a horseback camping trip to Mt. St. Helens. Today I started delivering flowers (daisies) to some of Bobbi's caregivers. That was nice for me. Them too, I hope. I saw Dr. Pekal, Bobbi's medical oncologist and her staff. That was a little rough..... that's all I have to say about that.

March 10, 2009, 11:55pm - I just got home. I spent a fine evening in Asheville with our friends Michael and Sherrill Hughey. Michael and Sherrill have been friends a long time, and both spoke at Bobbi's memorial service. It should be pointed out I have been somewhat lax in the correct spellings of their names. All I get right is Michael (because I remember that "a" comes before "e" in the alphabet). Of course, those who know me know that ther is no nead to poynt out the fakt that I mispeel wurds offun. It was truly nice- the cap of a good day. The email server upgrade at work that had been eattingmy lunch for me for a month is finally through phase one. Whew. I guess I'd spent a number of nights at the office till 11pm, but now I can settle down and watch the servers hum (did I just jinx it???).
When I got home (and at work where I didn't have a chance to return calls) there were many messages about a letter I put in the paper here this week. It should be said that the letter is not complete. It is simply to our community in general and the key tribal programs involved. Those unmentioned here have some idea, I hope, the depth of my gratitude to them. They came at all hours of the night; sometimes all night. These acts of love were their gifts to Bobbi in return for her countless acts of love. Anyway, since not everyone who reads this also reads our tribal newspaper I will post the letter HERE.

March 10, 2009, 8:00pm - Well, I got the death certificate today..... that's all I have to say about that.
I went over to Kim's after work and worked on their upstairs sheetrock for several hours. Then we had a nice supper, and I let the boy beat me at Wii baseball. Now I'm at the office finishing my email server upgrade/migration. I'm staying busy as suggested.

March 9, 2009, 8:00am - Good Morning! Gosh, I'm sore. What's up with that? Am I getting old???? LOL. I got a nice card from our friends Nathan and Ginger. They lost their daughter a few months ago and rented the KidZone building to us. Susan wrote me a letter about an art project she's working on honoring women with cancer. It's very interesting and a lot of Bobbi has gone into it. I'll let you know when it gets exhibted.
Lewis called me Friday night. He took some of the daisies from the memorial service home to his wife Becky who could not get of of work to attend the service. Becky had to go to LA, and while there she took them to the beach and tossed them into the Pacific Ocean. How about that- we have daisies from coast to coast!

March 8, 2009, 11:00pm - Well, there you go. I went to the office, did what I needed (but not all I wanted) and came home.I wanted to make some calls and couldn't find my phone list. Bobbi was so organized, she made these handy phone number cards of the whole family. Anyway, I decided to search the hard drive- no phone list file, but I find that she did make a will last year in February. Now, if I can only find the actual signed one. It's in one of these file cabinets, no doubt. Man, I wish I could ask her...but if I could talk to her I wouldn't waste my time talking about legal issues. I think I'll go to bed and talk to Bobbi a while...
Note about shed- the shed looks funny, that's because the walls are 9' tall. If I mount big shelves 7' off the floor, then I'll have nearly 4' of headroom at the peak- plenty storage area for camping gear and whatnot. Now I can clean the craft room and empty our storage locker AND have a convenient place to store garden tools, etc.
March 8, 2009, 8:00pm - Everyone said stay busy so I did. I built a garden shed, mostly by myself! Dennis was a big help yesterday and David helped me some this morning. I kind of expected people to show up. Well, Uncle Roy, Dennis and Dave did.
Wow- I stink, and I need to go to the office. I better take a shower and go! LOL Hey- this keeping busy stuff works!
March 8, 2009, 8:00am - Yum! Oatmeal! How's your cholesterol? Mine is good. Did you remember to set your clocks forward? Well, time to get a move on. I'll keep you posted.
March 8, 2009, 5:30am - Wow- nearly six hours of sleep. That's a new record. Yesterday was a long, long day, but a good day. I got a lot done outside. Dennis came over and spent a long time helping me. I'll post a picture later. Uncle Roy came by and we had a good long chat. Donna (the momma) called. She had been staying in Charlotte with Sarah, Paul and the munchkins. She and I went to Gale's favorite restaurant (Los Amigos) in Waynesville and I guess we talked (and cried more than a little) for over two hours. It is hard to not break down when we get together. I feel bad for Donna- no parent should have to bury their child. We tried to comfort each other, and I think we were successful mostly. Then I went to LOWES and got a load of supplies.
I think I turned a corner last night- yesterday really. Of course I miss Bobbi more than words can say, but I'm so grateful she is no longer in pain. She declined so much, that were she still here right now she would be so deteriorated in would be more unbearable than it is to be without her. That is a staggering reality- that I should almost be grateful, not that she is gone but that she is free of pain and disease. Thank God she's free of cancer, and her leaving was the cost. That makes it more bearable to me (most of the time). I know everyone who knew her misses her. Now we have to gather inspiration from her and channel our love into action. Okay, I am up to the task.

Though they go mad they shall be sane.
Though they sink through the sea, they shall rise again.
Though lovers be lost, love shall not,
And death shall have no dominion.
- - - -Dylan Thomas

March 7, 2009, 6:00am - Up before dawn to make breakfast... By now I'd have made Bobbi soft-boiled eggs most days for the last year. No- it's Saturday. Saturday I'd make her poached eggs on toast. That's what I'll have today.
I've got to release her I guess. I'm fine most of the time, a little better each day. It's mostly these times when I'm barely awake that are hardest, and when I go to bed. I try to rejoice in the time we had- I do rejoice in the time we had. Does tense matter? Do I say she "is" wonderful or she "was" wonderful? Both? Now I'm laughing at myself. That's a good sign, I think. Becky and Dick took me out to eat last night, and it was wonderful. Put 553 on your "must eat there" list. Aunt Lib went with us, and later we all watched W (the movie). It was better than I thought.
I guess the trouble is I lost three people at the same time, my wife, my lover and my friend. That's probably it. I think part of it is guilt- survivor's guilt. It's not supposed to make sense, it's a humanity thing, but then I can smile and sing praises to her and to all life, and I heal a little more....and then I think if she was in such pain before how much more she'd be now two weeks later. That's a terrible thought- she could have been even worse by now. Now I can truly give thanks she is safe from that- it's almost a relief.
I wrote this bit of doggerel in December when I was desperate to give Bobbi some emotional comfort. The thing wrote itself as fast as I could write. She was so depressed.... I hope I succeeded (comforting her). I shall inflict it on you now-

The Crossing
by an unpopular poet

And when the light of morning come
We’re beguiled by warmth of happy sun
Then noon us bathes in light both soft and warm
We dare to think we’re safe from harm.
And even sunset who’s light does fade
Can blind us to the hazards laid
Perhaps these times our hearts don’t break
When beloveds must a journey make
Maybe the night stays warm and soft
To ease their journey away aloft
But if red rain does chance to fall
Then even bravest hearts can fall
Dragon’s teeth can chew whom we hold dear
Faith can flee, replaced by fear
And hope could flee replaced with sorrow
We forget the promise of tomorrow
Then we who hold those hearts most dear
Must comfort them to ease their fear
And nurture those whose heart’s so worn
Forget the promise of the morn
Then crossing can be made in peace
Instead of fear of life’s release
So comfort one to comfort all
That we may God’s love again recall
When on the alter our beloved lay
We can endure the next new day

March 6, 2009, 11:50pm - Note to self- do not sing ANNIES SONG. It causes weeping... Note to self- do not sing CRAZY LOVE. Note to self- also YOURE THE ONE, FOR GOOD, LANDSLIDE.... note to self- might as well just stop singing. I guess that ain't happening, so I better make those happy tears. Tears of gratitude for the time we had, gratitude that she is blessedly at last pain free. Is it maybe better to cry than to be unable to feel? Of course- stupid question. I just can't explain how unnatural it is to come into this house and not have her here- this must be the wrong house. Actually, it does get a little better each day, I just have this wierd idea. I feel like if I somehow get over it all it will be like some form of betrayal. Do other people feel like this? I know it's not what Bobbi would want. Maybe I just miss her (I do, no maybe). If it sounds like I'm whining please slap me.
Becky and Dick took me out to eat with Aunt Lib in Sylva. The place is called 553 and it was excellent. We had a great time, and Aunt Lid got around pretty well for a 90 yr old lady. All we needed was Johanna and Libby to make it complete, but they were out of town. Funny, there's someone else who could make it complete....... Well, the highs are supposed to be in the 70s this weekend so it's time for work!!! I'll keep you posted.

March 5, 2009, 5:00pm - Note to self- do not sing "In My Life" at work. It causes weeping...

IN MY LIFE- John Lennon and Paul McCartney
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never ever lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
Damn, there I go again.........

March 5, 2009, 8:00am - Life does go on.... I heard from "the fam" last night. Donna (momma) is in Charlotte, Greg and Susan are in Texas, and Chris and Toni are well in Illinois. Tonight we try to restart the Scout Troop and Cub Pack. Last night I actually got some sleep- about five hours. Heh, it's getting better. This weekend looks to be fantastic- warm and sunny, so it's siding time for me!
I'm thinking to have a luau for Bobbi on her birthday in June. Any takers? She'd have been 60. We'll put a pig in the ground, set up karaoke- the whole nine yards. Think about it. We'll call it Bobbi Day.

March 3 , 2009, 8:00am - Life does indeed go on. Yesterday was the first day without weeping (at least on my part). Plenty of tears, but I guess some release of the grief that I was afraid would consume me. Good things are happening. Everyone is away safely after our mini blizzard. Cards, calls and emails continue to roll in. Thank you all for the outpouring of love. Yesterday I was contacted by a nice lady who found this page by accident, but wants to use it in her curriculum at school (career advisor to potential med students). How cool is that? I'm going through my files and finding even more photos. I'll make a contact sheet page you can download from. I haven't had a chance to download the video of the memorial service- it's on my "to do" list. I'm now beginning the legal tasks. There's a lot of paperwork to do after a death, and that needs attending to. I've also decided to redo our bedroom..... someday ;-)
I miss her so. Still, life goes on. This week we'll try to reorganize and revitalize the Scout troop and Cub pack. I'll just keep taking it day by day. It does, still, seem so very strange..... a world without Bobbi in it, a house without Bobbi in it...

March 2 , 2009, 1:00pm - News Flash- Matt Hollifield found the camera. I have dozens and hundreds of kind emails- thank you all so much!!!
March 2 , 2009, 8:00am - Life goes on. Still, there's something wrong. The center of the earth's gone funny, or gravity is wrong. Everything seems so off-center and wrong. I know it's perception and not reality, but for now this is my world. Everyone is so kind. Still, the world just doesn't feel right.
I've loaded a small (only 130mb) version of the memorial video I made. You can click on the link at the top of the page. It's a huge file for the Internet and you'll need broadband to view it online. If you "right click" and download it to your local computer it'll probably work better. There's one change I wanted to make, but I'm just going to stop making changes. Every time I watch it I think I should add things.... I just want to honor her all I can.
I'll make a gallery of photos from the video so you can download those. If you need an even higher rez version than the one's I'll post (and if it's available) let me know and I'll load that too.

March 1 , 2009, 10:00pm - Oops- does anybody recall loading my camcorder and tripod into my van? I can't seem to find it.....

March 1 , 2009, 6:00pm - Wow! It's amazing! There ARE angels.... First of all, after I posted last someone called and told me they found my wallet. It took them an hour and a half to track me down. Everything was in it. Then, when I got home I started cleaning up again. I'm finding little notes Bobbi left around the house, and some are quite recent. I can't tell you how blessed I feel right now. I miss her so much. I came and when I walked into the house I yelled "I LOVE YOU BOBBI!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!" When I looked down, here's what I found- an envelope with this written on the back:

Nothing defines a life
like friends and family.
So short the time we have-
spread the love. Happiness
and smiles will travel
like ripples on a pond .

To all my family and friends-
take this moment to realize
this is all the time we have.
NOW!
These are the treasures
of life- a fleeting hug and kiss.
XOXOX
Love You All
Sooo Much,
Bobbi

Holy moly- I have to be careful about throwing papers away! I miss you Bobbi.

March 1 , 2009, 3:00pm - Well, I had my own little one week anniversary moment. I've made it a week. I went over to Donna's house (the momma) and had breakfast with the family that was still there- snow-bound by flight delays. I had a tense drive home because I waited too long to leave. On the way home I decided to show some gumption, so I stopped at Dollar Store and bought garbage bags..... and lost my wallet somehow. How's your week going.
SIGN- LOST, wallet and wife in same week. Reward for return of either.
March 1 , 2009, 9:00am - Chris and Toni have just left. They are driving back to Illinois hoping to miss the snow (2"-6" called for by morning). Remember them for me- they have a special place in my heart. You don't always take Chris seriously- he's just kind of a big ole fun loving guy. Yet, when his dad was dying and when Bobbi was dying Chris and Toni, without a word, just stepped up and helped. I could not have taken care of Bobbi without them. There are many others not including (and not to forget) the Hospice people who helped us, but Chris and Toni were right here, and I could trust myself to sleep because I could trust them with Bobbi. There are maybe six or eight people I could have done that with, and Casey, Becky and Dick did actually also do it. I thank you all.
Today at 12:29pm it will have been one week since Bobbi died in my arms. There's so much still to be said, so much I wanted to say..... Everyone has been so kind. People especially want to encourage me to be assured that there is a life to follow this one, and I do take comfort in that. However- to my mind, we should live life as if there is no next world, as if this is all there is. Life is now, my life is now, your life is now. I suspect the next world is as incomprehensible as the outside world is to a baby in the womb. Who knows what manner our consciousness will take? Now, we are living and we are needed now, and when I needed you you were here with me now. She is with me still, now. There is so much left to do now.

The memorial was wonderful. If you were not there we missed you (I have your lasagna in my fridge). We had 234 people! We had people from Wilmington and West Palm Beach to Seattle and British Columbia. Even our Chief Michell Hicks was there. There should be a video. I'll have to look at the camera and make sure it came out. I'll also post photos of the displays as well as a smaller version of the memorial video Memories of Bobbi as soon as I can. It's too big to upload from our house. I'll do all that on the March page. In the meantime I'll let you download the program and maybe the music.
Last night the family get together at a nearby restaurant for a meal together.
I don't know what the future of this web page will be. It started out as a way to keep Bobbi in touch with you all. Now it seems it is as much a pressure relief valve for meself. There's so much to do now- we'll just have to see. I'll keep the page updated for a while. For now I thank you all so much. Bobbi loved everyone, even me. The care she showed was her love letter to us all. I'm forever proud that I brought her her to where my people have lived for 11,000 years. She is my love letter to you.

February 28, 2009, 8:30am - Beloved friends and family- today is the day. I'm on the way to the Youth Center. If you can not be with us you will be missed, but we understand. Think of my precious one today, and smile. She would never want to be the cause of sadness. We love you.

If I Should Die
If I should die and leave you
Be not like others, quick undone
Who keep long vigil by the silent
dust and weep.
For my sake turn to life and smile
Nerving thy heart and trembling
hand to comfort weaker souls than thee.
Complete these unfinished tasks of mine
And I perchance may therein comfort thee.
~Thomas Gray ~

O my God, incline your ear, and hear; open your eyes,
and behold our desolations, and the city which is called by your name:
for we do not present our supplications before you for our righteousnesses,
but for your great mercies. Daniel 9:18

Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. 
Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. 
Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. 
Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise. Baha'i Prayer for Healing

February 26, 2009, 2:30pm - So- how's your week going? How strange. For over a year the care of my wife has consumed me. A week ago it was all I thought about for 24 hours a day, and now....... The comfort is being surrounded by people who also love her. The bird is set free, she is no longer in pain, that too is a comfort. I just miss her.

February 25, 2009, 8:30am - Oops, I had yesterday's dates wrong. Hello, my beloved ones. In the movie SHADOWLANDS C. L. Lewis's wife Joy, who was dying of bone cancer, told him the pain we feel then is part of the joy we feel now. That's the deal." Bobbi and I knew that. At odd moments, when something would make us aware of the fragility and splendor of this existence, we would occasionally say to each other "that's the deal." This morning I woke early after sleeping pretty badly. As I awoke, and in that half-aware time between dreams and waking, I was dreaming/reliving the previous day (or perhaps some other earlier memory) with all our family around is in our home.... and it occurred to me I hadn't hugged Bobbi yet today. So I got up and went into the kitchen and as I did so I became aware, and the memory and awareness flooded back. However, for the first time, instead of weeping I smiled. The joy of loving her flooded over me like a million butterflies I had to brush away from my eyes, except I didn't brush them away. The pain I feel now is part of the joy we felt and feel. That's the deal.
I'm not "over" Bobbi. I don't think I ever will be nor do I want to be. I think it's just we've moved into a new phase of our relationship. When I speak to her I'll hear her in my head, and in my heart. I look forward to seeing her "on the other side", but I will concentrate on honoring her here and now. I have to take care of all of you for her (just like you will take care of me for her). You'll need to be patient with me (like you didn't need to already), but remember- we love you all.
I've posted a map to the Youth Center for Saturday's memorial. You can use Google Maps to get directions by looking up the teen clinic-
Cherokee High School Teen Health Center
1570 Acquiona Rd
Cherokee, NC 28719
(828) 497-6217
The clinic is across the street in the same building as the Cherokee Youth Center. I also made a directions page you can see by clicking HERE. We're going to have a light luncheon after the service. We'll be serving Bobbi's favorite foods- lasagna, tapioca and Hersheys Kisses. A covered dish is welcome but not required. Dress is casual- it's a family gathering after all. You might even see a few Scout uniforms.

February 24, 2009, 6:30pm - What a day. Our family came over today and helped me. Bobbi's mom, sister Jill, sister-in-law Toni and Kim started going through all of Bobbi's things. They picked out a few of her coats to make me pillows with, and then the handled the rest. I don't know when I'd have been able to do it without feeling I was betraying Bobbi. Blessedly, it was okay for them to do it somehow. They even wanted to replace the carpet, but we have this time thing- the memorial is Saturday. I'll put it on my to-do list. David and Sam worked on the outside- tidying up, caulking, sweeping the decks and generally making themselves useful. I've been pouring over old photos. Maybe I can find some catharsis as well as good photos for the memorial- sort of a bonus.
I just can't believe she's gone. Note to self- she's not gone as long as she's in our hearts. Repeat this 5,000 times.
February 24, 2009, 8:30am - Good morning. I've been up since before seven, and mostly I've been trying to tidy up. That process is complicated- I'm having trouble seeing well, because I've been weeping constantly. So very much energy and effort, concentration and planning, and most every ounce of my energy for more than a year now has been to get her well, make her healthy, keep her comfortable and try to make her happy. How can all that have come to naught. Was it all for nothing? My head says no, but my heart..... I just miss her almost more than I can bear. Caring for Bobbi has consumed me, if that's the right word. I just miss her terribly.
Yesterday was really very good. I spent the day with so many loved ones, and went to Bobbi's mom's house for the evening. All her family was there except for Sarah (who was sorely missed). Somehow, being surrounded by the people who knew her longest and loved her most (except for Kim and I... okay, I'll give you her mom also) was a comfort. I spent such a good time with Kim, Sonny and the babies. Ethan tried to teach me to play a Wii. Today we should be here at our house (Bobbi's and mine) all day. Thank you if you tried to come over yesterday, I just had to try to comfort Bobbi's mother (and myself).
We made all the arrangements at the funeral home yesterday. It was a gentle experience. They let us see Bobbi's body before she was seal away. They even put a little makeup on her. She looked so pretty, but then I always thought she did anyway. Except for something very simple today we'll spend most of our time getting ready for this Saturday. We have so many wonderful photos, and of course they get me going too. I know that, as time goes on, it will get easier, but I'm actually proud it isn't easy. I know I am a well loved man by those still here and those who've gone on, but how wonderful to realize within yourself the capacity to care so deeply. I do miss her so.
Today we're getting ready for Saturday. Also, her family is helping me start the task of sorting through her things. We're packing up the medical accessories we no longer need, and doing a light "once over" through her clothes. I keep finding little sup rises- the small photo album she kept in her "when I'm having chemo" bag, cards I've given her she saved, little mementos...
We and I have had so many heartfelt communications of love, sorrow and condolence. I can't thank you enough. All I can do is be the man Bobbi thought I was, and may one day be. I'll try to care for you all like she would- like I promised her I would.
Thank you all.

February 23, 2009, 3:00pm - Hello. Thank you all so much for your calls and messages. Tonight we're going to Bobbi's mother's house. As hard as this is for me to deal with it is even harder on her. I'm sorry I'm not home to accept visitors, but I'll be home every evening the rest of this week.
It is a strange day. We're spending the day having photos made and visiting family. We're at Kim's house now having therapy (playing with grand kids). I'll keep you posted.

Before she died she wrote three letters- love letters. One was to Kim, one was to me, and one was to you all. You can read it HERE.

Eventually, all things merge into one,and a river runs through it.
The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time.
On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops.
Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs.
I am haunted by waters.

Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It

February 23, 2009, 6:00am - I slept a little last night, and have been awake since 4am. I slept in the hospital bed Bobbi was in.... just hours ago, or was it years? No, it was just moments ago. This morning I go to the funeral home to make "arrangements", then come home to meet the medical equipment company who will pickup the bed, oxygen generator, etc.
Now is the time for guilt, second guessing, and all the futile but human processes that go along with survivor's guilt. I think I can skip most of that, but not so the profound sense of loss and grief, and the empty place in my life. I know that soon, day by day, it will start to get better, and then slowly better each day after that. Quite simply, I don't want to live in a world without Bobbi in it. That means I have to go find the things that reminds me that Bobbi is still in this world, in the very best sense of the word "in". I see her in he family, in our daughter, and especially in those wonderful grand kids. I have to get myself to the place where everyday is a celebration of that shining life.
I need to tell you all about Bobbi's brother Chris and his wife Toni. For the last week they were her right beside us, and when I was too tired to care for Bobbi they took over so I could rest. Casey, Becky and Dick were often there with us, as well as Bobbi's other brothers and sisters, mother and so many other family members and friends. We could not have done it without you. Thank you.
Those ghosts that surround me in this empty house are not what Bobbi was and is. It is the laughter of pleasant surprises, the nurturing of children, and the gentle bravery of going on even when you're not sure of your purpose. I know Bobbi struggled so long to overcome the sorrow of dealing with her father's and then her own illness. She did go on, so how can I not? Right now I'm not sure I want to, but I promised her I would. so I told her I would pick up the burden so that she could lay her's down. I have so many folks to look after for her. I guess I just miss Bobbi.

February 22, 2009, 8:45pm - I suppose the reality of what has occurred will sink in soon. Right now I am in a fog. My dearest one's presence is still here, surrounding me. Everyone is so kind, and I thank you. I'll have something from Bobbi to post as soon as I can type it. I just can't do it right now. I've had a thought that has rocked me to the core. For the first time in my life I live in a world without Bobbi in it. This would make the world a bleak place.... except Bobbi touched so many people. Those people resonate with the influence of Bobbi on them, and in that way Bobbi is still with us. Bless you all. Hugh

February 22, 2009, 5:45pm - Thank you all for your many many well wishes, thoughts and prayers.

February 22, 2009, 12:40pm - Most beloved family and friends. It has been my profound honor to have known and loved Bobbi for 25 years. Her valiant struggle against this terrible disease is surpassed by the love, care and support both she and I have received from all of our family and friends. We have tentative plans for a small family burial in a few days, and a memorial service to be held at the Cherokee Youth Center in Cherokee, NC on Saturday Feb. 28th, probably at 12pm. I'll post directions.
Be comforted in the knowledge that, at the end, Bobbi did not suffer. She was surrounded by loved ones, and her passing was as gentle as her sweet soul. We all miss her profoundly, none more so than our daughter, myself and her mother. Her terrible disease and her struggle against it remains an example of bravery for all of us to follow. As honored as I am to share her life, I am also honored to have brought her into the loving embrace of our community. Her huge heart belied her small frame, and she will ever be a blessing to all who knew her. We look forward to sharing many stories with you all on Saturday. May the blessings of a benevolent creator be on you and yours. Bobbi and I have and do love you all very much. Hugh

February 22, 2009, 12:40pm
At 12:29pm my beloved wife died peacefully in my arms surrounded by her family. I can not express my gratitude for all of the people who showed Bobbi and myself a limitless supply of love and support. I'll write more soon. We need to be quiet together for a while.

February 22, 2009, 8:30am - That lil'gal is one tough cookie. She's fading, but still fighting. I gave her a daisy today. Remember Bobbi and I love you all.
February 22, 2009, 4:00am - We continue to sit with Bobbi. She is, for all practical purposes, in a coma. Her breathing is shallow and labored, but she is surrounded by loved ones.... and it's snowing.

February 21, 2009, 10:00pm - Alas, Bobbi's breathing grows more labored and shallow. I don't think a rally is in the cards. Kim, Bobbi's mother, brother Chris and sisters Sarah (she just drove in from Charlotte) Jill are here. Brother Greg is on the way. Brother Mathew can not get a flight before Monday morning, but I held the phone to her ear and let him talk to her. We did the same with brother Paul, then played Redemption Song by Bob Marley for her. My brother David, Donna and nephews Sammy and Jordan have been in and out. Bobbi is as comfortable as we can make her. Of course, I'll keep you posted.

A Daisy A Day